Standing Ground

Ok. Breathe. Wow, someone should have told me how hard this would be. I want things to get better for my son. I want him to make moves to get the help he needs. Spinning and spinning, that's what it feels like, a ride in a carnival, you are just spinning and spinning and want desperately to get off. My son will never choose to help himself if he thinks I will take him back home anyways. I have to be a hard-ass now. I need to make it very clear that I WILL NOT take him home unless he makes move to get help for himself. Period. Sounds easier than it is in this situation. I have already tried this once before, back in January. Told him he couldn't come home unless.Well, he spent 10 days on the street in -30 weather, lost 45 pounds and was close to death in my opinion, don't think he would have made it another week. I cannot survive that again. So, here it goes. I pray he tries to get help. I believe in him. Now, to take care of me.
Photo credit: recovery and hope Facebook page

No one will walk thru my mind with their dirty feet!

(The heading for this post is a quote from Robin Sharma) wow, I love that quote but I have not listened to it lately. I will start listening better to my own wisdom and I am going to work exceptionally hard at keeping other's from cluttering my thoughts with their garbage.

"No person, place, or thing has any power over us. We are the only thinkers in our minds."
Louise L. Hay~Heart Thoughts.

This is daily practice that will help us to keep control of our own thoughts, our own feelings and stop taking responsibility for the thoughts & feelings of others. We can only take control of our own life. As parents of addicts we must realize this. We must learn to let go. As brutally hard as it is, we must let our addicts take responsibility for themselves.

Through all of what my son has been through this past two years, everything that has not worked for him, there is only one thing that he has brought to each of these places of help, himself! The change MUST be within him. There is nothing else that I can do to help him, he must help himself.

This is my homework:
When thoughts of pain and hurt and worry enter my mind I will acknowledge those feelings briefly, then I will bless my son with love and then I will release the feelings of pain and move on.

The picture is of new spring growth, still buried within much of the old year's leftovers, this is reflective of my today; my goal is to start cleaning up the old stuff and uncover more beauty and focus on that!

when one suffers~others suffer

If your family is suffering through addiction, you know that one family member's journey down this dark road is a lonely one but unfortunately each family member is also suffering their own lonely journey. When parents are dealing with the sometimes "extreme crisis" with the addicted family member, what is happening with the other children in the family? Don't think for one second they are not affected, they are affected, as much as you are. I believe that each family member is suffering their own lonely journey. We must remember to support the other children, even though they may look like they are not in crisis, they very well can be. Their crisis may take on a different shape than the other crisis your family is dealing with. Remember addiction is a family disease. Throughout our long and difficult journey this past few years with my son, my daughter has been suffering her own pain. Worrying about the rest of her family, worrying about her brother, feeling lost and alone while screaming for help silently, so silently that it took some time to see how much pain she was actually in. You see, how does a child tell her family she needs help when she can see for herself that everyone is suffering? At times acting out, at times reaching to mind altering substances to ease the pain, at time wanting to feel the physical pain in different ways; these are all ways a teenage girl may reach out for help. Our pain has been real, our pain has been deep. My daughter has suffered the same broken heart that I have, I have wanted to help her, I try, but how is a mother to help mend her daughters broken heart when her is broken too, so broken. My daughter came to me a couple months ago after one of my son's court hearings. She told me that she was afraid, that she was not coping with all her pain and suffering in healthy ways and that if she were not to get some help, she fears she would end up like him. Like her brother, where nothing and no one matters anymore except the drugs and that life. She said she wants help to learn how to cope better. Yesterday my daughter was admitted to Portage Atlantic for residential treatment. I am so proud of her and of her strength and how truly wonderful she is, I will miss her beyond words but I will get back my wonderful girl with new found strength and coping to carry her through her life's ups & downs. All my love xxx
Photo credit:Recovery and Hope

If you just believe.....

Coincidence, fate, do these things have a place in our lives?
I've always chosen to believe in the unseen, to have hope and think positive. Lately my 'positive thinking skills' have been a little messed up. Deep down inside I am a believer, I must never forget that.
When my family made a decision this past November to pick up and go on a Rocky Mountain Adventure, the decision was made without money saved or put away to take this $10,000 vacation. Out of nowhere gifts started to be given to us , from family who was more than generous, who also believed in possibility. Then an unexpected cheque arrived. I really had to think and realize that maybe I still had it, that gift of belief in the impossible, those skills that I had buried, and hope and faith were still at work in my life.
Yesterday another funny coincidence struck my life. I will not say anything at the moment except I believe, I have faith that this coincidence could have a big impact on our lives, a reminder that I need to stay positive and never give up hope.

“Out there things can happen, and frequently do,
To people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen, don't worry, don't stew.
Just go right along, you'll start happening too!”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Photo credit, as usual, Recovery and hope Facebook page.

Living a "playful" life

I am taking a coaching course. As a coach, we talk the language of play. This is a new way of talking for me and as we learn our "coach" talk, we have been learning why the spirit of play is so important. I have learned that the opposite of play is NOT work, it is depression. Well if I reverse that then the opposite of depression must be play. How can we work our way out of depression when we are going through a rough period in life? I believe that by adding more playfulness, more joy to our lives, we will be changing those feelings from depressed to happy. So what kind of things could we do to add more play into our lives? Well, maybe a walk in nature, a good old fashion pillow fight with one of the kids, or maybe the hubby, maybe listening to music, maybe dancing, maybe playing a board game with the family, maybe shooting hoops with your son or daughter, being creative and working with clay or painting, drawing, colouring, a night out with a friend, swinging on a swing in a playground ( yup even adults can do that!) to name a few.
Add play to your life when you least feel like you want to, see what happens! I am going to try it today!!!!
Photo credit to its respectful owner, photo found on Internet, I love it. If it belongs to you and you want it removed, please MSG me.

Are we defined by our "Story"?

I feel victimized by my son's situation. I am so tired of being a victim. I don't want my life to be defined by my son's decisions to live his life in the shadow of drugs. Often times when we are struggling through times of crisis we repeat events that have happened in our heads, over and over again. We think them through, re tell our stories, trying desperately to understand the pain. According to Sark's book, Glad, no matter what, these stories we tell go on for much longer than the feelings and each and every time we re-think it, each and every time we re-tell it, those feelings are reawakened "and we think we are still 'there'".
There are times I would like to just forget my "stories" and move on. Then the mother comes out and says " how can you move on when your son's life is falling apart?" Well, we can move on. We can make a decision that our life will NOT be defined by our addict's story. We learn how to let go. We learn how to forgive. We can learn to tell new stories. We can learn how to live for each moment and love each moment as we live them instead of fearing the future. If we stay in the present moment and live that story each day, the pain is sure to subside. We learn that we can only control our own thoughts, our own actions and not those of our addict, we stop being a victim, we learn to live again.
Photo credit: Recovery and Hope Facebook Page

Reminder to self:Enjoy Today!!!

At times of stress most of us, myself included, tend to wish for time to pass quickly to get to whatever we need to ease our anxiety. In doing this, we wish our life away and miss all kinds of special moments. We need to enjoy all our moments, we just never know how many moments we have left. My thoughts are with those in Boston.
Today I will enjoy each of my moments, regardless of the anxiety and stress of my son's situation. Today, I will be grateful that he is safe and enjoy my daughter, my other son, my hubby, my mother and all the other wonderful people in my life. I will enjoy the sunshine and signs of a fresh start that springtime brings, I am grateful for Today.
Thanks again, Recovery and Hope Facebook page for another inspirational picture!!

Finding gladness

"Finding gifts of gladness in every situation does not mean disregarding pain, sorrow or suffering. It means that you choose to see the gift in every situation, and believe it's always there." Sark~Glad No Matter What~ Never lose hope, Never stop seeking happiness, no matter what!

Fear

As the quote says' your mind is like a dangerous neighborhood, never go there alone.' This is so true! As I sit here, in my mind, I worry. I think too much, I even start to panic. Everything seems almost to good to be true, I have hoped for so long that my son would decide he wants help to change his life and heal from addiction, now that is happening and I am just so scared! Scared that he will change his mind, scared that it will take too long, scared that he will give up hope.
We must manage our feelings and stay positive!
Misery is almost always the result of thinking.
Joseph Joubert

A Change of Heart

What is it that makes an addict change their mind about the lifestyle they have chosen? What is it that finally makes them decide to get help? How far down is rock bottom anyway?The answers to those questions are very unclear, unknown to anyone actually. Everyone's rock bottom is different, very different. I think, as a parent, when we hit our rock bottom is the time when we finally say, ENOUGH! It is a time when we say "Its time for you to go, and us to heal, when you want our help and to change your life, we will be there." AND MEAN IT!! I think I have hit rock bottom a few times. This past month was certainly my lowest. My son has finally decided he has had enough. He has finally decided he cant keep fighting this losing battle and he can't do it alone. He has asked to go back to treatment. This is the miracle we have all been waiting for. This is something I honestly had figured I may never hear come from him. I am so grateful for this change of heart. I am scared to death that something will change, that something may go wrong, that the wait may be too long, I am terrified of many things but I am learning little by little to let go. So here we go.....for now, he sits in the youth detention center and waits, very impatiently, for an assessment and a date, I pray it isn't too long, I pray he stays motivated to change.
The picture is borrowed off the Internet and belongs to its respectful owner.

Being grateful for sadness

This sounds completely absurd as I write it. How can anyone be grateful for sadness? After my son's arrest and speaking with him on the phone and hearing him crying and crying, my pain as a mother grew, I felt so sorry for his pain, I wanted to make it all better. After some reflection on all I've learned about feelings I felt grateful for his sadness, the thought of the sound of his crying, gave me hope. He is feeling, it has been so long since he has cried, so long since he has felt. I thanked God for his pain. Please let this be a breakthrough, please let this mean he is ready to feel what he is experiencing, if he can feel this much pain, this means he can feel this much joy (I learned this from Sark). I sat crying as I thought of this, my tears were not of sadness but of gratefulness that he can feel again, of hope for a desire to change.
Photo credit:recovery & Hope Facebook page

Stress & Feeling

So many people confuse stress and feeling. I have spent much time these past few years stressed over my son's addiction. Worried about the future, this is natural. When people see someone 'break down' and crying, they say, "you need to let go and stop stressing or you will get sick". Crying and "breaking down" is not stress, it is release, it is healing, it is feeling. Sark says "feelings are meant to be in motion. E. motion" the expression " if you can feel it, you can heal it", is the truth.
This is of great importance to someone in recovery, many addicts cannot, do not want, to be in touch with their feelings, they repress them, feel their stress, and to cope; attempt to alter them with mood altering substances. Feel your feelings, let them flow, if you know someone hurting and releasing their feelings, feel good for them, they are healthy, encourage, support them~they are healing.
"Those who don't know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either." ~Golda Meir

Falling to pieces

The book I'm reading right now: Glad~No matter what by Sark says " a great deepening can occur in the dark, from the midst of Falling to pieces: the pieces reassemble, new pieces materialize, old pieces can be discarded or re shaped. You find yourself sitting on a pile of dirt, smiling!"
This is the time we are vulnerable, open to love from others, we are REAL and genuine with no hidden agenda but to heal. This is a place so many of us avoid being, most of us end up there, not by choice. We let it all out, make up off, arms and heart open to guidance. This can be a place of great growth, embrace it. "Most growth takes place in darkness."~Sark

This is a picture I found online, it's credit is to the owner, unknown to me.

How perspective changes

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." Albert EinsteinMy last post was to say my son was missing. He was arrested tonight. I thank God that he is safe. Hard to believe how a parent can be so relieved when they hear their son is arrested and will spend the weekend in jail. Oh, the life with an addict is such a strange and dark adventure. All things considered. I am grateful for this 'miracle'. Everything happens for a reason. Our lives take us on a journey with a specific destination,some roads are just so much bumpier than others. Most of the world's great people have led a tragic life, I am holding on to the belief that my son has something great in his future, that this pain will lead him to his amazing life. There is great opportunity in crisis. Thank you for your prayers and support.
Photo credit: Recovery and hope Facebook page.

Missing~RunAway

So strange how we hide from our pain. I posted a picture today of my 17 year old son on Facebook asking if anyone knows his whereabouts. I absolutely did NOT WANT to post that. Why? Well for many reasons. Posting that your child is missing or has run away on Facebook makes it real. It brings your real pain, the pain that is filling your heart to overflowing right out in the open, makes you vulnerable .
My son is an addict. He has chosen his dark life over a life with the people who love him. He isn't ready to accept or face his demons.
How is a parent supposed to move through this pain. They say life is like a dance, addiction is the dance of death. I'm not sure how things will turn out, fear and uncertainty are extremely difficult emotions. I have to believe that love, hope and faith are stronger and will see us through this.
My son is missing. If you see him or hear anything, please contact me or the Moncton City police.

Getting through the pain

Who ever said pretending is easy? When you carry around large amounts of pain inside your heart you have to do a bit of pretending to kick start your recovery.
I read this quote and I have to agree "Find a place inside where there is joy, and the joy will burn out the pain," ~Joseph Campbell.
I am looking for my joy. Actually, it's all around me; children everywhere, my 10 year olds bear hugs and goodnight prayers, my daughters silly ways and my husband walking in the door with flowers, to list a few. Why then does the pain seem to sit on top of it all? Why does this struggle have to hurt so much? Why can't my addict just get it and get well? Why can't he think of us and our pain? These are all questions for which I have no real answers. In the beginning of recovery during turmoil it isn't today, it is one hour at a time, sometimes it's minute by minute. We will take control of our lives and our hearts again, will we find our joy.
"Finding gifts and gladness in every situation does not mean disregarding pain, sorrow or suffering. It means that you CHOOSE to see the gift in every situation, and BELIEVE its always there."
Sark~Glad, no matter what

Lighting a Candle~Keeping the faith

This is a link to a website that allows us to light a virtual candle with an attached message.(I am struggling with attaching a link in my blog but if you copy & paste it in your browser it will work) Ever since I was a little girl, lighting a candle meant something to me. I felt like I was sending a message to someone I couldn't reach, or maybe like I was sending a reminder to God to watch over someone special. Whatever the meaning, it gave me hope.It stills gives me hope, like an on-going prayer for guidance. Everyone needs to feel hope and everyone needs guidance now and then.http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=KL

A New Beginning ~in the middle of turmoil

Today, April 3, 2013 marks the day that I am making a public decision. I will be spending the month of April in my own HEALING REHABILITATION, for me and for my family. I will post how this journey goes for us, the ups and the downs because it will be an emotional journey of letting go and an emotional journey of a new beginning. Today we will start with two things. The first thing is the decision: I am, and have been, enabling my son, although I tried very hard to stop this enabling behavior, my intense and undying love for him has made it impossible for me to control. How will I make this stop, now, at this point? I have made a realization that my "helping" him is really only hurting him, and everyone else I love. I am slowly losing everything, including myself. I am making a decision that I WILL NO LONGER allow his addiction to control my life. I am going to get back in the driver's seat, TODAY. Does this mean I love my son any less? NO. It means that because I do love him, I need to let him go, I need to trust that he will find his way back to us, somehow. I need to believe it is possible and hope that he will see his way through the darkness.Our first action:Tonight I will be having a bonfire with my family. We will write about things we need to let go: our expectations, let downs and heartbreaks and we will burn them all in a symbolic fire for a new beginning. We will also have a candle lighting ceremony, we will light a candle and say a prayer asking God to show Kyle the way home, we will keep that candle lit all month, maybe longer. TODAY

Article:7truths I found out about my addict that took. 5 years to learn (www.intervene/drugfree.org)

I feel deep empathy toward parents just beginning the terrible journey of their child’s drug addiction — and those facing the turmoil of a next step: rehab, incarceration, dislodging the addict from the family home. These are still open and fresh wounds for my wife and me.

Following are seven hard lessons we’ve learned in our journey, all of which we denied in the beginning. We fought with ourselves and with each other about these things. It didn’t matter who was telling us the truth, we knew better, after all he was our son. We have come to accept these truths and now it is much easier to deal with the heartache and we’ve become more effective helpers for our son/addict.

1. Parents Are Enablers
We love our sons and daughters. We would do anything to remove the pain. Take away the addiction. Smooth the road. We’d give our life if it would help. I once wrote a letter to my son about using drugs. I used the analogy of him standing on the railroad tracks and a train (drugs) is blasting down the tracks and blaring its horn but he hears nothing. I told him it was my job to knock him out of the way and take the hit, that’s what fathers do. I understand now, I was wrong. All that would do would leave me dead on the tracks and he would be standing on another set of tracks the next day.

We raised our children the best way we knew how. At some point they made decisions that set them down this path. We can only support them and provide them opportunities to make another decision. This is a hard one. That is why at times sponsors, recovering addicts, police officers, probation officers, corrections officers, pastors, counselors can all do a better job than we can in showing our addict the correct path. That is difficult because no one loves our addict like we do but we cannot do what they need when they need it.

2. I Cannot Fix This
This goes to what I wrote above. This is a problem only our addict can fix. A concept such as this is very hard for me to accept because I try to fix everything. No one is allowed in our addict’s mind except them. They are the only ones that can decide to do something about this. This will not end until they decide to end it. Parents trying to make that decision for them only results in failure and frustration.

3. My Addict Is A Liar
Addicts will say anything to hide their addiction and take any action to mask the problem. I honestly believe at the time they do not even realize they are lying, they just say whatever they think you want to hear. I believe they have motives in this to seek approval and to give us pride. I believe addicts do not like themselves or what they are doing but at some point they can see no door out. Their only mechanism for survival is to seek somekind of approval through lying, even if they know they will be busted. I believe it offers a similar instant gratification as drugs. I think even a smile of approval from a loved one shoots off those chemicals in the brain that gives them a different high, even if it lasts only a couple seconds. When my addict tells me he is not using I really don’t hear it. I tell him often, “My eyes can hear much better than my ears.” Just as we seek evidence of their using, we must seek evidence of their NOT using. Do not rely on faith that they are not using because they told you.

4. My Addict Is A Criminal
Symptoms of this disease include illegal behavior. That is why he is incarcerated. Face up to it, Dad and Mom. He has done things wrong and he must pay the price, as they say, his debt to society. It does no good to bad mouth the police, the judge, the jail, the lawyers they did not put him there. He put himself there. When we see others on TV and in jail we think about how much they deserve to be there but our babies aren’t like them. We can justify and separate the wrongs by misdemeanor and felony but those are legal terms. The long and short of it, my addict has done things that got him put in there and he must pay.

5. Others Don’t Want Them Around
That is OK. He has wronged many people. We are the parents, it’s called unconditional love. It is not wrong for friends, brothers, sisters, grandparents, relatives to have their own feelings and pain about this situation. Some families have great support and no one abandons the addict, some people decide they do not want the trouble of an addict in their life. That is OK. We all get to make the choice and there is no wrong choice, it is just a choice by those people.

6. Life Will Not Be The Same
At 5 years old my son thought he was Michelangelo of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Running around the house with an orange bandanna tied around his head brandishing plastic weapons fighting evil and the bad guys. When we look at our addicts we see that 5 year old and mourn the loss and try anything we can to get them back. My addict is now a 21-year-old man. He is every bit an adult with at times a child’s maturity. But our world recognizes chronological ages, not maturity levels. Parents must do that too. I believe Michelangelo is lost inside of him. Those that are lost sometimes find their way back, but some do not. I can grieve this loss but it will not help him or us to move forward. An addict does not live in the past or the future. An addict lives in the here and now, if you want to help your addict you must live in the same world he does.

7. Homelessness May Be The Path He Chooses
Mom works in downtown Kansas City. When you drive down there you see homeless people with signs and some of them living under the bridges. They are dirty and hungry. They very likely are addicts, alcoholics or suffer from a mental illness. The one common denominator for all of these men and women living alone and homeless is that at some point in their life they had people that loved them. They are sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, cousins, and friends to someone. That doesn’t change their situation. They made choices that got them to this point. They can make other choices, and there are people and organizations to help them change. The key is, they must make the decisions. If our son makes the decision to live this way, it will hurt me terribly but he will do this until it is time for him to change, I cannot change him or those circumstances. It will not help him for me to give him a bed in my home if he continues to live the lifestyle.

Why is This Important?
We struggled mightily against these truths, fought with every ounce of strength. We lost our fight. We have accepted what we wished was not true. My learning is: until you understand the truth you cannot find peace within yourself or really be able to help your addict. Accepting the truth is what allows you to help your addict by helping yourself.

I do not hate my son for using drugs and putting all of us through this pain. I hate the things he does. I hate the lying, the stealing, the using. I love my son very much, I hate his ways. It is perfectly okay to separate the two.

Editor’s Note: If you are a parent of a child struggling with a drug or alcohol addiction, please join our community of parents and experts at Time To Get Help to find support, guidance and help.

Website I copied this from : www.intervene/drugfree.org

Print This Post Posted by Ron Grover | Filed under Addiction, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Taking Care of Yourself

Dangerous fads that teens take part in

These fads are dangerous and I think we should all take the time to be aware of them and talk to our teens about the dangers. I have seen my own teens try the salt & ice and cinnamon challenge thinking they are just fun, they ARE NOT fun! They think if everyone else is doing it and posting to You Tube it it safe. http://www.ivillage.com/dangerous-teen-fads-you-should-know-about