Shame

"What causes shame?
Secrecy, silence & judgement." Brene Brown
Where is there more secrecy, silence and judgement than addiction?
We must wipe out the shame of addiction. Addiction is a sickness, not something we should hide in the closet, for addiction is like mold, it will only grow in the darkness.

Acceptance

This word is so much harder than I could have possibly imagined! I am realizing that I must accept that life doesn't always turn out just as we planned. I was told once by a wonderful friend that we must let go of our perfect "bubbles" that we imagine for our life at times, accept that we are not always in control of the outcome, and let go.
Accepting our teenagers as people who have their own "bubbles" and they may be different than ours. We must accept that they will need to choose how they want to live their life and we must keep hoping that they remember all that we taught them as they grew up and in time that things will all turn out ok.
Accept and trust. Two words that a good friend of mine often reminds me of these days, thanks Eric!
Photo credit: Recovery and hope Facebook page.

Heavy Hearts

I posted the following message on my Facebook page : Parenting Teens a couple months ago:
"I can't help but to wonder, how do parents with teenagers in jail, group homes and homeless on the street function and go about their daily lives with so much pain in their hearts? How do they maintain any happiness when they know that their child is suffering and there is nothing they, or anyone else, can do to help or to help them make the positive choices they need to make to solve their problems? I keep thinking, every one of those teenagers in the detention center, every one of those kids on the street has a family, how do their families go to bed at night and sleep when they don't know where their child is sleeping? How many parents that we see every day are suffering in silence?
Remember not to be too quick to judge, it could be your kid!"

Since I wrote this, 2 months ago, I have had this experience, my 16 year old has been in jail, homeless on the street and in a group home. My heart is heavy with sorrow, there were days, and are still days,  when I wondered how I would make it through the day, how I could possibly sleep when I didn't know where my son was, how I could possibly go about my day when I felt so much pain, but I did and I am.

"How are you?" this common, casual greeting has become one of my least favorite questions. How can I answer that question when I meet up with someone, I am SUFFERING, I am IN PAIN, my heart IS BROKEN. Of course you cannot go on like this every day. So I guess, my answer to my own question of how do these parents go on? We just do, we find something to look forward to, we find strength in support groups such as Nar Anon or Al Anon or another support group of parents going through a child's addiction, we find something that makes us happy and focus on that, and we know in our hearts that the best thing for our child, at this point, is to let go.

The Present

This picture says it all. As a mother of an active addict I find myself always waiting for the next crisis, wondering what will happen next? It's hard not to think that way when you suffer so much, you just know when you get a little comfortable, something else is going to happen. I have told myself a million times; I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. This way of thinking keeps us from enjoying the present, seeing the beauty in the world and in our lives today. We must try to stay in the present. It's ok to hope for tomorrow but try to focus on today.
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present!"

Asking for a Miracle

I have to say Recovery and Hope's Facebook page is such an inspiration! (This is where many of my pictures on here are borrowed from). Today I saw this picture. What did I feel when I saw this and read its message? HOPE. How true, those of us praying for a miracle, just have to believe that miracles can happen everyday, because they do!

Feeling like a failure

I think I can speak as a mother and as an addict in this position. As a mother who has tried and tried and tried some more to seek help for her son, her family, herself and many many times came up feeling like a failure. It is hard to feel like you have the strength to try again. It is hard to feel hopeful that maybe one day something will happen that will change everything. You just have to get up and try again. I am not saying that, as a parent, we have to keep trying to change our addicted child, work so hard that we ourselves lose our mind in the process. ( although I will admit that can be guilty of that) What I am saying is that we can't lose faith. That if one method of treatment doesn't work, that doesn't mean that another won't and we need to stay positive and hopeful so that when our child is ready to face their demons, they feel confident that is a possibility.
Speaking from the addicts perspective, just because you have failed this time, doesn't mean that you can't learn from this mistake and every other mistake made and move on. You CAN overcome, you can face your fears and step out of the darkness. Stay positive, hopeful, have faith and never, never give up on possibility!!!
Photo credit: Recovery and Hope Facebook page

Expectations

Something I have been learning, slowly, is not to have expectations. If I expect that things will turn out a certain way and they don't, I am disappointed, if I expect someone to act a certain way and they don't I'm angry or upset. Well, placing expectations on people that we have no control over is a losing battle, for us. I am learning to let go of MY expectations and try to focus on hope and faith.
Photo credit:Recovery and Hope Facebook page

A resourceful website

If you seek answers to questions in addiction, please take a few moments to explore this website. You may want to bookmark it for future reference.

Www.everythingaddiction.com

Prescription & non-prescription drugs

A little reminder: even if your teen is in recovery from substance abuse, make sure to lock up alcohol and other drugs or store them safely out of reach. "Teen years are filled with painful moments-just one "little" experiment (or slip) to make the pain go away can lead to terrible consequences!" Teen intervene.
Having alcohol or drugs in the house can be too much temptation for a recovering addict, or experimenting teenager!

Making a choice to change

When our loved one continues down the road in active addiction, we often wonder, what is it that will finally help them to make that life changing decision for change? Well, to this question, there are no real answers. It could be anything that triggers that decision. I am not a firm believer that a person has to hit rock bottom necessarily to make that move. I have read, and read, and read some more, searching for the answer, the answer that will help me to help my son break free of his chains and leave this hell behind us. Through all that research, I have learned only one real truth; there is no answer, there is no cookie cutter method to help. One thing that did strike a nerve with me, I read that an addict will not purposely put themselves in a position to be more uncomfortable than they already are to accept change. This is how "rock bottom" will often happen, they need to realize that the life they lead now is more uncomfortable than the life they will lead sober. So I guess, through this I realized that if an addict is perfectly comfortable doing what they are doing, why in the world would they ever set out to change their behavior? There comes a time, as a parent of an addict, we may have to move outside our own  comfort zone and shake it up, in hopes that maybe they will make the choice we are praying for.
Nobody said being a parent would be easy, that is for damn sure!
Photo credit: Recovery and Hope Facebook page

5 stages of grief

Experiencing the steps of grieving is a common and perfectly normal part of loss. In most situations of addiction we often feel a loss, grieving for the child we once knew, the person we long to see and hold in our arms again. Grieving is a natural part of healing.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

Why do parents enable?

http://alcohol.addictionblog.org/how-and-why-do-parents-enable/

It is so easy to fall into the trap of enabling our teens when they are 'in trouble', we are just trying to spare them pain, but are we?

DON'T MISS THIS!!!!!!!!

http://vimeo.com/entheos/recovery2point0

Miller's first law of holes

"If you are in a hole, stop digging!"

If you are trying something that doesn't work, stop trying that, try something else!!!

Suffering in Silence....no more.

If you have a child suffering from addiction then you know how it feels to be alone, seeking help for your child and your family. When the reality hits, it hits HARD! Then you feel ashamed & guilty, like you may have failed as a parent. Then you feel horribly ALONE! Where do you turn to for help now? Addiction is, and always has been, a deep dark secret that many families hide from the outside world for far too long. If I have learned one thing; we are NOT alone! Addiction is a sickness, some believe- a disease. Just like mold, addiction grows rapidly when kept in the dark. There is nothing to be ashamed of, we are not failures as parents.
I believe that no one knows that they are truly a good parent until the day comes that they have to make decisions for the person that they love more than life, decisions that completely rip them apart inside, but they take action and make those decisions because they love their child and sometimes the hardest things in life are the decisions and actions of a mother or father, when we take action to save our child who lives their life in the shadow of drugs, a child who has become a stranger to those who love them, rejected time and again by the child we love for their new life with drugs, but we take that step, against their will and against all odds, we take that step.
Most often we have lived hiding the shame of our reality from others for some time, until we realize that we are tired, that we cant take on  this demon all on our own, that we need help, that our child needs help. At that time we feel as though we must be the worst parent on the planet, when in reality, I have come to realize, that step proves that we are amazing and stronger than we ever thought possible.
No one knows what it is like to be a parent of an addict unless you are one, no one truly knows the pain and suffering that we suffer, except us. To accompany your child to hell-and back, as we all hope, is the hardest journey of a lifetime.
I have listed some resources that could be of help, I will continue to add more. There is help out there, for our children, and for us.
Photo credit:Recovery and hope Facebook page

Rejoice in the small successes

In the midst of the turmoil that addiction can create don't forget to rejoice in the small steps in the right direction. Be grateful for small treasures!!! One small step forward could be the first step on that journey to recovery.

When the student is ready.....

Thinking about this Buddhist proverb quote, " when the student is ready, the teacher appears."
Really makes you think about how we cannot teach someone a lesson they are not ready to learn. It is a reminder that when someone is ready to accept their recovery, recovery will happen. So many times, as a mother of an addict, I have attempted to teach my son, reach out and offer him help for his addiction, only to be disappointed. I have come to realize that only when he is willing, only when he is ready to accept his addiction for what it is and willing to learn from the consequences it has to offer, will he begin on his journey into recovery.
What can a parent learn from this? Patience. Acceptance. Trust. Hope. Faith.

Changing It UP!

"If you always do what you've always done then you'll always get what you've always got." Neuro-linguistic programming workbook.
I think that quote is something to keep in mind! I know as a mother, I am always reaching out and trying to help my children, hoping to keep them from pain, from suffering the same mistakes I made, as a mother of an addict, I am always trying to help him see his way to making better choices, again to protect him from pain and suffering. I am slowly realizing that everything I have done, isn't working. Wow! It sure is hard to change our ways. It sure is hard to break old patterns. If I listen to this particular quote, I realize that there is possibly no other way to help but to let go, to try things I haven't yet tried.

Change is uncomfortable, it's time for a change. This time, the change will start with me.

Dr.Jekyl/Mr.Hyde

A quote from Dr.Jekyl/Mr.Hyde: "I was slowly losing hold of my original and better self and becoming slowly incorporated with my second and worse self."
This quote explains what an addict is going through as their addictive personality slowly takes over the person within. Speaking from a mother of an addict, this is the most painful transformation to watch.

Laughter the BEST medicine

We have all heard the saying "Laughter is the best medicine." Well, I have certainly noticed how laughter helps me when I am feeling stressed, so I decided to do a little research on the topic.
Laughter not only increases the reward hormone in the brain~dopamine, but triggers an increase in endorphins & serotonin! (these are the reward & mood hormones in the brain), it also decreases cortisol, which is the stress hormone in the brain! Laughter has positive effects on the mood & motivation, as well as learning!
A good dose of laughter is highly recommended every day to improve your health, happiness and even increases life span!
So, I started thinking, if laughter increases the dopamine in the brain (this is the brain's reward center, the increase in dopamine is what addicts are looking for in the high) why doesn't every recovery program and drug treatment center use laughter therapy as a way to help through recovery? At the very least, as families in recovery, we should be watching more comedy and finding ways to laugh more!

I found this "off the wall" treatment for stress LAUGHTER YOGA!! It incorporates yoga poses and laughter therapy. So I will leave you with this video clip from The Discovery Channel......http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahhN3Ryw4O4

The dangers Inside your Head

"Treat your mind like a bad neighborhood - don't go there alone." Unknown
For an addict, and many of us family members, inside your head, is a dangerous and lonely place. Learn and practice mindfulness (the practice of seeing your thoughts for what they are-and letting them go) every day!

Giving up

As Robin Sharma says "Pain is temporary, quitting lasts forever." I am mentioning this quote here because I have come face to face with wanting to give up so many times in my struggles with my son's addiction. I have come to realize that we can just never give up. There is a difference between letting go and giving up. I think there comes a point in addiction where the family may have to let go of their loved one, so that they can start feeling the pain of their actions, start seeing the natural consequences of their addiction, but I will never give up, the pain family members suffer through a loved one's addiction is intense, but pain is temporary, I believe with faith and the knowing that the people who love you will never give up on you and believe in you can see the addict through some very dark times. Hopefully all the way to the other side. 
Photo credit: Recovery and hope Facebook page.