When you are up....You are UP!

And when you are down....You are in the depths of pure living HELL! This is the story of addiction:( Affirmation for today: I am grateful that I can rejoice when things are good.

Today.....good....very good

Oh how I wait to be able to say that life is good, and when it feels good, it can be hard to relax and truly enjoy that feeling. Not today. Today I am letting go of fear and worry and I am choosing to bask in the beauty and the joy of my life. 

My son was very sick over this past few weeks and is finally feeling better. That illness may have been the very best thing that has ever happened to him, to us. 

He has stopped using hard drugs. That's right STOPPED using hard drugs!! He has chosen to stop using hard drugs because HE WANTS TO STOP. I can't even believe this is my life right now. I have prayed and prayed and begged for this for so long! He agreed to see our doctor to get a prescription for anti anxiety meds and something for sleep and give it an honest try. What a difference I see in him. He is the amazing, interesting, funny and passionate person I have always known him to be. When I talk to him, I am talking to my boy. 

Wow! Do you think I am not terrified that this could end? You better believe I am terrified. Am I going to let fear take this from me? Not a chance in hell! I will enjoy every single beautiful moment. Everyone sees it, it is truly a gift, a true miracle. Just when I thought I might actually lose him to his addiction, life can turn around. This is the world of addiction and recovery. 

I look at my son who, at the moment, has a grade 9 education at 17, he doesn't have a job nor does he live at home, but I have never felt more proud, more hopeful. Today is a good day.....a very good day!

Grateful

As Thanksgiving day approaches I am finding myself thinking about all that I have to be grateful for. I have a lot. I realize that even through all the heart ache and turmoil of much crises over the past few years, I have always remained truly grateful to what I have in my life. 

I am so grateful for so very many people and things that touch my life daily. More than anything in this world, I am most grateful for my health and my children. I am ,of course, beyond grateful for a wonderful husband and a mother like no other, but, I give deep and sincere thanks for my three children every single day.

 I have come to realize that maybe through all this heart break I have learned even more, how to really appreciate the little things in life. How to be thankful for peace, to be thankful just to have all three children in the same room together, happy, how to really be grateful that they are alive, safe and healthy every day. 

 This week, my son was very sick. It was discovered he has mono. He has been very run down, vomiting every day and coughing until he vomits. He has been so sick. Sick enough to stay in bed for a week. I had him home for a few mornings and a couple nights for the first time in 7 months!I have to say, I was really grateful. I hate to say grateful because he was sick, no, that isn't it, but I was really grateful to have all that time to enjoy my son. He was too sick to get into any real trouble. He wanted his mommy to take care of him. As a mother, this felt good. We had many hours to talk, to watch movies and just be together. I am so grateful for that time. My heart is full of thanks. Yesterday was the first day he felt well enough to go outside for a walk, he managed to eat a small lunch and a small supper and keep it down. Hopefully he is on the mend. I am pretty sure he enjoyed our time together as much as I did. 

 My affirmation for today: I am grateful to find opportunity in an unpleasant situation. I am grateful for every special moment I spend with my children and my family. I see every one of those moments as the true gift that they are.

Blinded

When I sit in that court room waiting to see what consequences my teenage son will receive, my heart pounding inside my chest, my ears ringing, I feel like screaming out "PLEASE SEE THAT THIS BOY NEEDS HELP!", but I can't. 

Another month, another chance to get your life together. Go pick up the broken pieces of your life boy, do it! Can't they see????? Why can't they see that he cannot do this on his own? I sit biting my tongue so hard that I figure blood will drip from the corner of my mouth at any given moment, giving away my inner turmoil. It doesn't. Nothing happens, as usual. 

Another month to try to stay alive. Another chance at getting into yet more trouble, or worse..... I cannot stand up in that court room anymore and say what is on my mind, I can't influence the courts decision, this HAS to be about him and HIS actions, not about me. If I do stand up and speak, it is guaranteed that this will be 'my fault'. 

 So, once again, we have a month to see. No offers for help. No insisting he seek addiction or mental health counseling. Leaving his fate up to the few "interventionists" who he still has left that want to help. Just the directive to go out and 'fix your life'. If he could fix this, don't you think he would have done that already? So, what adventure lies ahead of us for this month? 

 My affirmation for today is: I continue to see the good in everyone, knowing that deep inside lies every possibility.I believe in miracles.