MUST READ FOR FAMILIES

I am reading this book right now, can't put it down. I could have written this book! I highly recommend reading if you are a family suffering addiction or would like to understand what a family goes through, or if you work with families or parents of addicts. It is an easy read, pick it up, open to any chapter of interest and read. 

Suffering grief

I have mourned my son at least a half dozen times over the past two years. I know what it feels like to lose a child. I have lost my son in so many ways, I have grieved this loss, more than once. I know what it is like to have a missing child, a child living on the streets, a child in jail, a child overdose, a child on drugs, a child on their 'near deathbed'. I have suffered and overcome all of these things. Pain that no mother should ever have to endure. Having a child lost in the world of drugs may be worse than death at times. It's like watching your child being abducted, from right before your eyes, like watching them being smuggled out of your home, out of your life. It's not knowing; where they are, if they will make it, if they are hurting and crying for help and you don't see it, it's pure living hell.
This is why coming to the honest realization that we are powerless over our child's addiction is so fundamentally important. Until this is truly understood, healing cannot begin, for us, or for them.

See me, Hear me

I've taken up meditation practice. Something I have been putting effort into for quite some time but have always found it very difficult to "quiet the noise" inside my head and my heart in order to focus. I have had a bit of success over the past few weeks. In the quiet of my 'thoughtful' time, I have been asking for some guidance as to what to do and how to help my son through his addiction and recovery. All of a sudden, it came to me. Through my realization lately that I can't control this, I can't make this all better. I can't make my son choose the life I want for him, I can't make him walk away from drugs and that dark life. I have realized that what my son is saying to me is " See ME, hear ME". As hard as it is to step back and allow him to take control of his own life and his own destiny and make his own mistakes, this is what I must do.
I don't know what he thinks, how he feels, what he wants. I do know that his journey down this dark path may be far from over. I do know that I need to take care of me, I need to take care of my little one, my daughter, my relationship with my husband. I need to learn to listen better. I need to really 'see' who my son is, who he wants to be, I need to accept that I can't change whatever that is. I need to listen, I need to accept, I need to step back and allow him to be, whoever it is he thinks he wants to be. I need to allow him to suffer the consequences of his bad choices, if that is necessary. I need to stop feeling guilty. I need to stop wishing I could heal whatever pain he is suffering inside, his loneliness. He has packaged his feelings up so tightly inside that he may never let me in. I need to accept that I have done, and am doing, everything I can, or could possibly do. Now I need to see him for who he is. Not for the child and the person I hoped he would be. 

Phot credit: Recovery and hope Facebook page. 

Denial~the groundwork of addiction

"The power and importance of denial cannot be overstated when it comes to addiction. Even when addicts are facing life on the streets or incarceration, they will deny that addiction is the root cause of their troubles. Their perception becomes so distorted by denial that they may be truly unable to comprehend the disaster that has befallen them. "

Addict in the family by Beverly  Conyers

Denial can run rampant in the family of the addict, the addict themselves denying they have a problem, denying any and all addictive behaviors (usually blaming others) and , in the beginning, parents denying that their child has a problem. It's a natural response to dealing with issues that we aren't yet ready to deal with. 

When my son was spiraling out of control this winter and experiencing all sorts of  bad consequences to his addiction, he would still look at me and deny he had a drug problem. When I would look in his face and see a stranger, pick him up briefly while on the street in -30 degree temperatures, he would deny that drugs had anything to do with it. He has always been in denial that he is responsible in any way for many consequences that he, or we, have suffered as a consequence to his addiction. I know that for him to heal, he will need to stop denying the problem here is his addiction. 

Victims of manipulation

If you have ever had to deal with an addict or have had or have a relationship with a addict, you know what I am about to say is painfully true. Addicts are master manipulators!!! Their powers of persuasion and their skill at manipulating the people they love are strong. In fact, if they were a superhero, their super-power would be manipulation. They are so good at it, I really don't even think they have to try. They have perfected the skill so much that they are even able to convince themselves that what they are doing is right. It is their favourite tool and they are skillfully mastered at using it.
Rationalizing, deception and justifying are all a part of manipulation. Beware of these behaviours and don't allow them to continue, catch them as early as you can, they will create chaos in your life and by allowing these behaviours to continue, the disease of addiction will grow. (Www.interceptinterventions.com)
Without manipulation, the addict is vulnerable. If we take that tool from our addict, they will become vulnerable and there may be an opportunity in that vulnerability for them to reach out for help.
My son is the master of all manipulators! Without a doubt, he is very skilled at manipulation. As a mother, I have allowed myself to be a victim of his powers. Not on purpose. I just love him so much and when he manipulates me into thinking that something bad will happen if....I have usually caved. I am getting stronger, when I feel manipulated, I don't react right away, I pause the conversation, don't answer questions that require answers right away, so that I can think about what is really happening and consider my response and be sure that his manipulation isn't what is causing me to react and make a quick decision based on what my heart thinks and feels, instead of thinking clearly with my head. This takes a lot of practice, I need to be on top of my game so I can be aware of when I am being manipulated, deceived. I need to stop justifying my reactions with my guilt, my grief and allowing myself to be a victim. I need to allow myself time to be strong, allow him to see how strong I am becoming, this will help him to become stronger also and develop "real" tools that can be used to help his recovery.

Parallel Recovery

Parallel recovery

I'm reading Craig Nakken's book 'Reclaim your family from Addiction'. It talks about how each family member needs to do 'parallel recovery', about how the family connections are 'damaged and disrupted', how each family member needs to focus on developing a 'healthy self' so that they can once again turn their attention to rebuilding their family later. 
Yes. All I can say to all if that is, Yes! I finally really feel that we are a family in recovery. My daughter is working a treatment program to help herself deal with her issues and to figure out who she is after being lost in this war zone we call addiction. my little one is soaking up attention from family members and he reclaims his place in the family as the youngest. My husband and I are working at trying to rebuild a bit of romance and some of the fun we have had as a couple. My mom has her recovery to do also as she is extremely close to the kids and in my life as a single parent for many years, basically helped me raise my children. Addiction certainly is a family disease. 

Yesterday I got to spend the day with my whole family, picked up son from group home, daughter from Portage and my mom, hubbie, little one and I all set out for an adventure, it's been months since we have been all together. It was beautiful. Watching my 3 children interact and share, smile and hug each other warmed my heart. We are all on our own journey through recovery right now, we are all finding ways to heal from our pain of this difficult journey we have been on. Our bond is strong and when drugs are removed from our lives, it is a beautiful adventure. Today my family feels whole, this mothers heart is happy, my children are safe and getting stronger. Life is as it should be. Today. 

My wish

These are the thoughts I want to send to my son, my wish is that he will wake up one day and feel all of this about himself.
I am powerful,
I am capable of changing my life for the better,
I am worthy of a good and happy life,
I am determined to have a good life,
I am intelligent,
I CAN do this,
I WILL do this,
I am strong enough to overcome barriers set before me,
I believe that things can be better,
I am strong,
I am passionate and interesting,
I have many people on my side, cheering for me,
I can see beauty around me,
I am artistic,
I am driven, because of this, I won't stop until I get the life I want,
People believe in me,
I believe in myself,
I am loved.

I believe that thinking and feeling positive will bring positive experiences into your life. These are my thoughts, my wishes.

Addiction changes a family forever

"My tree has been shaken to it's roots" I am no longer the same person I was before. (Yoglosophy by Mandy Ingber)
When I read this comment in Mandy's book, it really resonated with me. That's how I feel! When anyone deals with addiction and someone you love, it changes you, inside, forever.

A change of thought

Louise L. Hay says "it's only a thought, and a thought can be changed".
I have know for a long time that 'if you change your thoughts, you change your mind, if you change your mind, you change your life.' Well I have I known that thinking positive thoughts created positive experiences and negative ones, well, brings on more negative. Our thoughts and our words create our future. Wow, that is powerful! To think that if we can change the way we think and what we talk about, we could change our life! As much as I knew this for the past few years I couldn't help worrying, I couldn't help thinking and talking about my pain. For me, it's really about looking at it differently, it's about taking on a new perspective. With this change I will be able to think differently, talk differently, stop being a victim and start taking control if my life. For the first time in a very long time, someone asked me how are things? I said " things are great!" I actually feel deep down inside that things will be great, I believe, I trust, now I need to speak of that hope and trust and open a new door to a new life.

A beautiful boy

When my son is sober, he is amazing! I wish he could see that, I wish he could see how amazing he is when he isn't on drugs. We spent the day together, no confrontations, no hostility, no anger, no guilt or shame. We spent the day with my beautiful boy. Oh how I have missed him. How we have all missed him so much. I know he doesn't see it, he doesn't get it. It's scary, spending time with that boy we love so much, for now, while he is safe, I know that boy is here to stay, at least for awhile, I want to enjoy it as much as I can, I want to savor it, hold onto it with all my might and never let it go. I know I can't do that and for now, with my new-found acceptance, I will enjoy every single minute that I get to share with my beautiful, sober son. As a parent of an addict, we just never know how many beautiful moments we get.

For all you parents out there who would like to read a good book, Beautiful Boy by David Sheff, a book written by a dad about his addict son. His son Nick Sheff also wrote his memoir Tweak, these two books really opened my eyes to a parents view and then reading the memoirs of the son, interesting to see the two perspectives. I recommend reading Beautiful Boy first.

Closing doors, opening new ones

Lousie L.Hay says that life is a series of doors closing and opening.
I am in the process of closing the door to my sons addiction and to my belief that I had any control over it. I am opening new doors, doors that will open upon new experiences in my life, where I will find peace, I will find acceptance and hopefully a new relationship with my son.

I have experienced my rock bottom, I had to experience this tremendous pain and heartache to get to this place of acceptance. This experience has taught me so much. I know now, that because of this experience, I will truly be able to help others through recovery. I really get it, no matter what the situation; whether it is an addict trying to let go of addiction or a parent trying to deal with their child's addiction; we all have to find our way, in our own time. The resources we gather on our way, will come in extremely useful one day, when we are ready, when we open that door and close the one behind us. This is the part where the real journey begins, when we open the door to acceptance.
Photo credit:Recovery and Hope Facebook page

Peace of mind

In the midst of a storm, can one all of a sudden-see clearly? Yes, I believe they can! We often hear that, for an addict, you never know when the right person will say just the right thing, perhaps the same thing they have heard over and over by many people, but all of a sudden, they hear it like never before. Well I think that has happened to me! The same things I have heard and read and thought a million times, all of a sudden something clicked inside me, and triggered peace.
I have an acceptance, a clarity and a peace that I haven't experienced before. What a wonderful feeling. I'm not even going to allow fear to take it away, I am really going to have to keep consciously working on certain things (letting go of my son, not offering advice, trusting in him) but I feel, for the first time, I can do this!

When I saw my son briefly yesterday for 5 minutes and he scooped up his little brother and hugged him like he meant it, smiled-a genuine smile-for a picture with his brother and hugged me, I saw that wonderful, sober, beautiful boy again, he had a sparkle in his eye, I believe in him, I saw, for a minute, that maybe, just maybe, he may be starting to believe in him too. It's a bit like I've broken the chains that have been binding us together in a very unhealthy relationship, maybe for his whole life. I feel peace, in my mind, in my heart, for the first time in a long time. This is what it feels like to really let go.

A change of heart

I have decided to take a different stand. I am absolutely powerless over my son's addiction, of this, I have become painfully aware. I have always been aware of this but I have really had problems giving up trying to control his addiction. I will no longer try to convince my son to get help or offer solutions to help his addiction. I will not accept him home unless he gets help but I will not be trying to convince or help him anymore.
Wow! What a free feeling! I know it won't be easy but I really feel ready. He IS NOT ready to accept help nor does he want it, not in any way at all. I have come to realize that he will not do anything according to someone else's 'plan', that if I cut him out of my life and wait for him to reach out for help and rehab, that may actually just push him further away from the help we all know he needs. I am accepting this decision. Now he will need to work to get himself a place to live, a job and work at trying to figure out what he wants and how to get it. I hope to be a part of his life, I will help him where I can and have him in my life, our life, as long as he is trying to manage his life, his way and not living on the street. I will be here to direct him to help, if he ever chooses that, but I am accepting today that I will no longer be expecting life with him to be as I had planned or I had pictured, life will be different.
Who knows, maybe without all the pressure and without living under the same roof, maybe things will work themselves out, we can hope. So the new improved plan at this time will be to step back and out of the picture, let him choose what he wants and make his own plans, accept that he may fall, accept that things may get worse before better, or maybe things will be different than we all expect. I will accept not to expect.
For today, I am accepting that I have no control over his life, I am accepting that he will make decisions on his own, I am accepting that he will no longer live with me, I am accepting that I only have control over my life and I am choosing that I will work at being happy and work at having peace in my life.
Today is about acceptance and freedom.

Patience & Change

It takes time and effort to learn what we need to learn. Impatience is only resistance to learning. It means we want the goal without going through the process. ~ Louise L. Hay
Patience is something I have never had an abundance of. I need to practice this. Allow the process of change, with all it's ups & downs. All the ugliness and the beauty of the process. Trust.
I have been working on my mental clean up, just as I have been working on my spring yard clean up. Clearing away all last year's mess to make way for the new growth that this spring will bring. It's hard work,
It takes time daily to clear away the "old garbage" and allow the new to grow and it takes time. This is my spring challenge, to work away in my yard where I can see the change happen before my eyes, as I allow the same process in my heart and in my life and allow my son to make his own changes. Physical work also really helps clear the mind and increases endorphins to help combat depression, sounds like a win-win to me.
For more information on endorphins and how exercise can combat stress

http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/endorphins.htm

Codependency

hmmm, I am a hopeless codependent. What a sad statement. The more I try to let go of my son and let him make some choices on his own, the more I realize that I too, have a problem. Codependency. Melody Beattie's Definition of codependency is " A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."I told my son on Friday that I cannot talk to him any more until he decides to get some help, there is nothing left to say, hardest thing for a mother to do, ever. I know I am doing the right thing, the only thing I can do. This is it, the end of the road, there really isn't anything else I can do. This is extremely hard for a mother, but for a codependent mother, who is addicted to trying to get control over her son's addiction, this is really a problem. I, too, have to learn to let go of an addiction, my addiction to try to help my son. I have a normal relationship with my daughter. I am not obsessing with her treatment, I have let her go to take control of her own treatment, I trust her, I have faith that she will be ok, more than ok, she will do great. What is the difference? I haven't lost my daughter. I feel like I have lost my son. Quote from Melody Beattie's Book Codependent No More " For each of us, there comes a time to let go. You will know when that time has come. When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free."Breathe.
Phot credit, once again, Recovery and Hope Facebook page, thanks;)

Hardest move ever

I have been slowly making this painful move over the past 5 months but now it's time to make the hardest move ever, the one I have been trying so desperately to avoid.
I have been telling my son that he cannot come home unless he gets help. What I have been doing wrong is I still talk to him almost every day. He is really really good at manipulating me and I think that I am saying he can't come home and he keeps hearing "maybe, there is a chance if...".
I am told that I have to allow him to feel complete loneliness and despair in order for him to make the choice for real help. I know this is true. As a mother, just the thought of him suffering complete and total loneliness and hurt scares me to death. Literally. This IS life or death. Ouch. I have to allow this pain, and trust me, I will be suffering as much pain as he is at this time, this will be his bottom. He has pushed everyone else away (except a girl that may still give him a little hope that he can carry on with life like this).
To me, this is so risky. What if he gives up? He is depressed already, if he feels really alone, scared and desperate, what if he doesn't make it? Then, of course, what if I don't make this move? He probably won't make it much longer. He is a shell of a person, he desperately just wants to disappear won't show emotion or pain, sadness or remorse. he hasn't taken responsibility for any of this, he still blames me. Its time, I know this is it, time for me to make this move. My hardest move ever.
Photo credit: Recovery and Hope Facebook page