In the Blink of an Eye

That's how fast it changes. Just like that. 

Well HELLO Sunshine!

I am writing this blog as real as it gets. 

This is the life of addiction from the eyes of a mother. 

 After my son breeching his residency order on probation, he spent two nights in detention. He made a decision to try to get back in to the transitional housing program. This is a great choice. The judge will see him in two weeks for an update and to see if he gets into the program next week. 

 Two days, that is all it took to bring him back to me this time. He was himself again last night. He even visited with his dad and had a conversation which hasnt happened in over 6 months. He says he doesn't want a relationship with him but I know it is because he is so hurt and let down that he is protecting himself. Last night he let down his guard and he felt good, happy.He had color in his face, and that beautiful smile. He was full of excitement, talking, asking questions, it was beautiful. 

 I told my husband, I know that this can change at any moment, I know this. I choose to believe that every time he feels this happiness and lets down his guard and lets people love him, it will bring him that much closer to wanting more of that in his life. I choose to enjoy every single one of those precious moments, and beautiful smiles. That is what living for today means. It means that we don't think about the past mistakes, and we don't fear for what might happen tomorrow, it means we cherish every gift that is presented to us, today.

Praying for a miracle

Things have gotten hard again.....my son was kicked out onto the street yesterday. It was only a matter of time. 

The street is my nightmare! Now I'm living it again. God help me, help all of us. Watch over my son. I'm praying he makes a choice for help, he has to break these chains, he's out of options. 

Breathe. Pray. Repeat. 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Breathe. Pray. Repeat. 

Prescription for Addiction

I have always found it interesting how many parents I meet who have teens with addiction issues who are diagnosed with psychosis, insomnia and ADD. They are prescribed risperidone, seroquil and concerta or Ritalin. I have come to feel that this is possibly the biggest "parent-pacifying fraud" happening in the field of psychiatry. I do realize that sleep disorders, anxiety, lack of concentration, paranoia are symptoms of the above mentioned disorders but they are also symptoms of active addiction and drug use. I am starting to think that prescriptions are given to pacify parents. Now we have our drug-using teenager not only using a multitude of street drugs but numbed down by prescription meds too! If that isn't enough.....now they have access to a couple of easily abused and sellable Meds of their own! Yes, I'm afraid to tell you that seroquil is often smoked on the end of a cigarette, possibly even crushed and snorted (yikes!) and Ritalin, well this is one if the most saught after prescription meds on campus and at school. 

I guess it seems to me that a person just can't win! 

Check out the video by Big Pharma- Define Better! 

My affirmation for today: I trust my instincts and follow them when seeking the truth. 

A letter to my son

Dear Son,

 I sit here thinking of you, as I very often do. I find it so hard to know the right thing to do these days. Some days I see you, I can see how messed up you are, your slurring speech, you grey color, your frail, thin body, wasting away practically before my eyes.On these days I see you and I think that it may not be long before I lose you. I actually even, in some strange way, prepare myself at times for it. I can even find my mind thinking that I hope when it happens it isn't too painful and that I can be brave enough to handle it and be strong enough for your sister and brother. Every day when I see you I always make sure to tell you how much I love you, I hug you, not knowing when it could be our last. I pray every single day that we have time, have time to get you the help you need and turn your life around. 

 Honestly, I am terrified. Do you think I can't see how thin you really are under all those clothes? Do you think I don't notice how wrecked you are when we talk? At times, you can barely speak, or remember the last thing I said to you, sometimes I can hardly even understand you. Then, there are days where, there you are! Looking pretty good, a little color in your face, talking and asking questions like you always did. Those days I think, maybe it's all in my imagination. Maybe you really are ok, maybe things aren't as bad as I think they are. Maybe.

I know that some people think that I should let you go. That maybe if I shut you out that you might turn your life around and get the help you need. Maybe. My heart tells me no. I believe it is really more possible that you will give up, I think you won't make it and I will really lose you for sure. I can't bare the thought of losing you, I especially can't bare the thought of losing you and you thinking that I have given up on you. I will never give up on you. 

 So what's the right thing to do? There are no answers, there are no guarantees. There is a lot of fear and uncertainty, but I am strong in faith and I have hope that somehow things will be ok. I believe that I will keep trying to introduce you to people who may have an impact on you, I believe that one day something will click and you will see. As long as I still keep seeing glimpses of "you", signs that you are still there, I will be here, trying to bring you back to us. I will always be here loving you and believing in you, always. 

 I believe, trust, and expect, only the best. I believe. I trust. I expect. Only the best.

He's All In!

wow!! Saw the Robb Nash concert last night. He had some pretty powerful things to say! He told a story about a past band member who had a drug problem. He talked about his passion and his talent and about his addiction. He said that this friend wondered why he was "cursed" and couldn't stay away from drugs that would keep getting in the way of living the life that he wanted. When Robb said that he wasn't cursed that he was gifted, that whatever this guy put his mind to, whatever he was passionate about, he was ALL IN! Drugs included! 

This is how I see my son. One of the most gifted people I know. More passion about anything he is interested in than anyone I know. He is an ALL IN person. If only he could put that passion into something else besides the drug world, if only he could see how gifted he really is. 

I think a lot about addicts, about the torment they must feel. I think that many of these people are probably in the same boat. They are gifted beyond their wildest dreams. If only they could see it.