Uncertainty

This is so much harder than I expected. The not knowing. I lie here in bed wondering if he is ok,if he is home, if he ate anything yesterday. I go about my days, doing my thing, not knowing how he is doing. It's really an uneasy feeling. I keep trying to be positive, in some way pretending, pretending that he is managing his life, eating meals, looking for a job. Is he? Maybe. I know how much money he has, none. I know how much food he has, not much, I know what his priorities are.....I am trying to stay positive, hopeful. I'm scared to death. 

I just keep reminding myself that this is necessary. That there really is nothing I can do right now, and that the more I do, the worse it will be. I tell him I love him, I get him a few groceries, when he will let me, I had him home for supper for a whole 45 minutes until his "priorities" came calling. At least he ate. I know he had a meal 36 hours ago. 

Well I need to believe that everything happens as it is supposed to happen, that he is on the journey he is meant to be on, that all of this will lead him to something wonderful and the life he is meant to live. 

My ten year old and I were saying his prayers last night and he said " I added something...." I asked him to share, this is what he told me "I prayed that if my brother doesn't get back on his feet soon that he would go to the recovery house at the homeless shelter we visited and stay for a year and get better." -You can't tell me that my ten year old didn't learn something from our homeless experience this past weekend! 

One homeless night

Last night my ten year old and myself spent the night at the local homeless shelter. This was to help out and help us to understand homelessness better. This was an open invitation in our community to anyone who would like to support our shelter and gain a better understanding of homelessness. My little boy and myself were the ONLY people who showed up. People put a wall up around themselves and often times would rather ignore the problem than get involved.
I have had many people, social workers, group home workers, youth advocates bad talk this shelter, say that they didn't approve, that it was full of 'crack heads' and 'sex offenders', I had some people not understand how I could take my child there to spend the night in such a 'dangerous' place. I have dropped my 16 year old on this very doorstep in the middle of the night, when he couldn't come home, how could I not try to better understand ?
Well, this saddens my greatly. If people would take the time to see for themselves, instead of turning their heads the other direction. These people are human beings, many with issues and sad stories. In my experience, they all have a story, a health or mental health issue or an addiction, but they are people. Everyone deserves a place to lay their head, everyone deserves a chance for a future. If shelters like this didn't exist these people would be sleeping in the street and in camps in the woods (which I happened to also see last night). At this shelter we visited, they have a safe, clean place to sleep, good nutritious breakfast and supper, support, companionship and additional resources to help get them on their feet.

Last night we eagerly listened to people's stories of their difficult lives that led them to this place, we shared breakfast, companionship, a place to sleep and made some new friends.
If given the opportunity, I strongly recommend the experience to everyone. We will be going back.
Next week I will visit our methadone clinic and needle exchange program.

We took a street walk where most of our homeless panhandle on the streets and we visited some very sad places where people live in the woods. (They set up camp here to sleep, eat, and hide from police)
The following two pictures are two different 'camps' we visited here in our city.

A view from the inside...

Tomorrow night my ten year old and myself will be spending the night at a local homeless shelter. We will join others as we take a streetwalk and visit with the homeless and then we will spend the night sleeping in the shelter.

How can we expected to understand what people endure as they spend time on the street? We can empathize, we can imagine, but I think we need to experience it. I am sure that some people would wonder why I would include my young child in this adventure. This is a shelter that accomodates many alcoholic and drug addicts, people that others may see on the street and turn and look the other way so they don't get asked for money. One of these people could be my son, one of these people could be your son. Don't ever be too quick to judge and turn the other way, these people are our neighbors, they are people who have lost their way. I am including my son in this experience because we have watched our beloved boy; my son, his older brother choose to live this way; I have dropped him off on the very doorstep that we will be spending the night tomorrow, not knowing if I would see him again. That picture is burned into my mind forever.

Some facts: More than 50% of youth reported that drugs and alcohol addiction is a majoy factor contributing to their homelessness. Youth are the fastest growing population of homelessness in Canada.Since 2002 there is a reported increase in homelessness at 137%!!!!!!!!!!!!I will blog on Sunday about our Homeless experience. Stay tuned.

Mixed emotions

So, it has been done. The deed that I most dreaded and at the same time, was most hopeful for, my son has not been allowed to return home and we helped get him set up in a rented room if his own. The emotion that best describes what we are going through right now: paralyzing fear!

Is my 17 year old son, who has a serious addiction to drugs and alcohol and a history of criminal behavior ready to live on his own? Absolutely not! Did we have any other choice at this time? Sure we did, we could have allowed him to walk out the door of the group home and back out onto the streets. Is he any better off right now? I have no idea. 

Now as I sit and wonder who is looking out for my child? Who is watching to see if he is eating? What time, or if, he comes home? If he is happy, healthy, safe?  He is independant, I am more than a bit lost. 

So how will I get through another difficult hurdle? I am going to have to trust in my higher power on this one, I am going to have to exercise faith like never before and keep hoping that he will make it. Positive thoughts and prayers, lots of them. 

Photo credit: recovery and hope Facebook page, as always, a big thank you! 

"I am worthy~There is hope for me!"

All of the sadness and all of the desperation I have seen and felt on this journey through my sons addiction, I continue to believe that he is worthy and that he has a chance and that he can overcome this demon. Our biggest obstacle has been that he doesn't believe it himself or care or feel worthy or capable of change. This is a very hard and painful thing to watch. I have seen others who I believe feel the same hopelessness. It breaks my heart. I feel so much intense pain in watching these young people give up hope that I have decided to dedicate the rest of my life to helping youth to find their way and their "spark", discover their dreams and inspire their passion through recovery. 

My son is about to begin a new chapter in his story. I am praying that this chapter is a happy one. He will be finishing his time at the group home. We have made the painful but necessary decision that he cannot come home to live without serious help for his addictions, he has not  committed  to that, so he will have to find a place to live. He will rent a room and find a job and start his life. In the fall he says he will be going back to school and working part time. He seems committed to trying to get his life back and stay out of drugs, I'm praying he can do it on his own. So now I guess I step back and watch him take flight, and pray. 

The pain of change

I received a phone call from my daughter in treatment last night. For a fifteen year old girl, she shows so much maturity in treatment, and in her attitude towards deciding she wants a better life. Treatment in a drug rehab is very hard work. Last night's conversation really pulled on my heart strings. She is scared. Scared of the changes she feels happening, and in some way, fighting this change at the moment. She fears for the loss of her friends and the knowledge that most of her friends will need to change. As she learns what healthy relationships look like, she is discovering that most of her friends would not be considered a "healthy relationship". She knows that coming back and having to find a "new place" in the world will be very challenging. She is 15. She knows she needs friends. She knows she has years of parties and social activities left before she finishes school. How frightening it must be. For a recovered addict finding their place in the world can be very challenging, it usually means changing EVERYTHING. Imagine someone saying to you " it's all going to be ok, you just have to find new activities, new interests, a new relationship with your family and new friends, oh and not to mention, you need to change the very way you think and act, new coping strategies and stay away from any high risk situation, or at least be fully prepared in case you encounter one." This has to feel very challenging, to be at the spot in treatment where you recognize how unhealthy your life has been. When you realize that in order to pursue a healthy, happy future, you must change EVERYTHING!

My advice was; take one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Remember not to jump too far ahead in your thinking, work on today. Find something that makes you feel happy today, focus on that.

What comes next?

Being in a family who suffers addiction, we worry constantly about what and when will the next crisis be, expecting it any day, every day. We suffer from trying desperately to help our addict who refuses any help. We suffer the loss of watching our loved one slip away as if abducted from right before our eyes, like in a dream when your are screaming in a room full of people but no one Can hear you, or even notices. We struggle to maintain order and control , that in most cases we never had. We love unconditionally, hoping for change. 

No one understands unconditional love like a family who suffers from addiction. To love someone despite the most unbearable conditions. 

We have to change our thoughts, as much as the addict themselves. We need to reframe the way we think. Instead of expecting  crisis, expect peace. Believe that only the best outcome is possible with all your heart until only the best is what you achieve. Trust. 

What lesson have I learned at this point in our battle against addiction? I've learned that we can all make a choice for ourselves as to when will begin our recovery. That we don't have to wait for our addict to make that decision, because for some of us, that may be a long way off, or what if it never happens? We have to make a decision to enjoy our moments in life for none of us know how many moments we have. We have to choose recovery for ourselves and set an example for our addicts and hope to lead them through our own example of taking control of our lives and our decision to stop being a victim. 

The tortured life of an addict

From the eyes of a mother. Watching our addict struggle can be brutal. The torment that a true, hardcore addict must feel is truly painful to witness. Imagine knowing that smoking that joint or drinking that beer may lead you down a dark path alone, from which you won't be able to see your way out, and still doing it. Imagine the torment it must be to desire something so bad but you know that giving in to it will rip you away from those who love you most, but giving in to it anyways. Imagine wanting something so bad that nothing else really mattered.

 Drugs are powerful, they can take over your mind and your life and help you dig a hole so deep you feel you may never be able to get out, so you keep digging. To turn your back on the power of drugs and alcohol and decide you can overcome this torture takes a drive from within, a great determination that many of us non addicts will never experience. 

When you meet a recovered addict, hold them in your highest regard, know that they have overcome deep torment, know that you are meeting someone with true willpower,strength and drive, someone who deserves tremendous respect for overcoming life's greatest challenge. 

Fear of fear

How do you stay positive when you know what's coming? How can we send out positive vibes for a better future when there is just so much fear? 

I try hard every day to be positive, to detach with love, to understand that I am powerless over another persons addiction and to keep hopeful. I have tried to stop talking about my sons addiction and focus on the small steps he is taking to move forward. The problem is that it's impossible to heal overnight. Trust isn't built over a short period of time and deep hurt and pain don't just go away. Having said all that, neither does addiction. A wonderful 'recovery friend' of mine has mentioned that surrendering to a higher power was necessary for him, that the support of a 12 step group was necessary for his honest recovery. I agree. I think these things are vital to the recovery of a parent also. Let go and let God. That is powerful. It doesn't have to be religious, if religion isn't your belief, your higher power is a recognition of something bigger than yourself. A support group, the universe, whatever feels right for you. 

I'm terrified. I have had signs that my sons dark journey is not yet over. He has two weeks left in the group home, I'm scared to go 'back there', back to that loneliness, the fear for his daily safety, the fear of his criminality, fear for his life. I fear for my daughters recovery, my little one's feelings of safety and I fear for all of us.

 I know I am not alone but sometimes I feel like I am in a room full of lonely people walking aimlessly searching for answers, a room where there are no answers, only more questions, more uncertainty. We are all looking for the same thing, hope. 

Al anon and Nar Anon groups are highly recommended for families of addicts. Smart recovery also offers family support groups online. If you are a family suffering addiction, find a support group today.