A day in the life...

Sometimes it feels like everything has changed and anything is possible. 

Sometimes it feels like we keep walking the same path and FEAR sets in and I feel terrified that everything will be the same.

I can't go back there.

Please shine a light on our path, lead us out of this darkness.

You are worthy of a better life!

Yesterday I sat in on a case conference with my son, probation officer, program director of detention centre, social worker and admissions director of Portage. This was one of the proudest moments of my life as a mother, and possibly the most life altering moments for my son. 

Yesterday my son heard, for the first time in years, others saying what I have been saying all along, things that he doesn't believe, or hasn't believed in many years; You ARE enough, you ARE intelligent, YOU are strong enough and you CAN do this, we are PROUD of the changes we see. These are words I say often, but because I am his mother, he doesn't really always believe them to be true. But.....when a probation officer who he hears saying " what you are doing and the changes you have made is what all of us hear today work for every day, you should be proud, this is a proud moment for all of us here." Those words hold power, they can hold the power to help someone believe that they are worthy of a better life, that they are capable of making change that will bring that better life and not only is it possible but others believe it WILL happen! 

Yesterday as I sat and heard these words, and the social worker tell him how intelligent he is, and why, I saw him smile, bow his head in slight embarrasment but I saw a glimmer of pride, and of hope. Maybe hearing these words he will start to believe it too! 

6 months later...

Well it's been 6 months now that my son is confined within the walls of a youth detention center. In some ways it has been the best 6 months in a long time, and in other ways, some of the lonliest. 

I have watched my son grow, turn 18, gain over 20 pounds of healthy weight and muscle, read at least a dozen novels, study his GED, follow rules, make friends, ask questions, defend himself when he feels he is wronged and humbly admit when he has been wrong, I have had long intelligent deep conversations about the past and about the future, laughed and cried, had proud moments, moments of fear, and pretty much experienced the entire spectrum of emotions. 

He is ALIVE! That beautiful boy is healthy and growing and living and learning every day. It may not be a perfect scenario but it is the life we get to live this year and thank God, he is alive for it. 

Many things have happened and changed for all of us this year and just knowing that he is safe, and his beautiful girlfriend is safely working a program at Portage gives both our families comfort and hope for the future. 

Personally, I have been on a journey too, a journey of deep self discovery. I have learned that I don't have control, that I never did, nor will I ever have control over my sons addiction or behaviour. I work daily on speaking and living my own truth and getting stronger every day in hopes to shine as a bright and steady guiding light for my children, no matter what journey we travel. I haven't touched a single "substance" myself for over 6 months and when fear enters my mind and my life, I face it head on instead of running from it. 

Strange that if we allow our experiences, no matter how difficult, to teach us what they have come into our lives to teach, we can grow beyond our wildest dreams. 

Do I still experience fear and uncertainty? Absolutely! Every day! Is my life perfect? Well, the only way I get to spend time with my three children together is to be locked in a room in a jail, so I guess perect is not how I would describe that, but beautiful does come to mind. This past year has taught me how to be grateful, accepting and honest, how to let go and how to really love my children. This year has given me hope and I have faith that every little thing is going to be ok. 

"The sun is always shining, sometimes you just have to look past the clouds to see it." Author unknown

I am a proud mama

I am beyond proud. Every time I speak with my son, my heart glows with pride, relief, love and hope. He is shining. He really is. He is walking a path of recovery and growth. As I walk my own path of recovery and mend some really deep wounds, I am able to see my son grow. This is the journey I have been waiting for, for a very long time. 

My family is healing, we are all living life and feeling joy. I am grateful. 

Recovery of a family

I'm not sure my family has been able to honestly say that we are in recovery until now. My family is healing, finally. 

Our visit with my son yesterday was beautiful. He looks amazing, healthy, peaceful. He is truly seeking himself. Reading books of his choosing. Going to meetings, groups, even church by his own choosing. The reason I say it is his choice is that I have always tried to control his recovery, I still do to a certain degree. I will admit that bribing often came into play as well. I bring him two books for him to choose one each visit, but I choose the books. There are a couple books that he has read already in his stay that I did not choose. Books about New Brunswick men who spent time in jail and turned their lives around. I see a difference in him, a big one. Well how would that not be possible? In 5 weeks he has studied his GED every day after not being in school for 2 years! He has read 5 novels, attended meetings and church, gained 40 pounds, attends the gym and grew an inch! I am so proud of his growth so far. I am feeling more comfortable every day to step back and trust. He is doing it on this own. 

Ironic how things work out. My family has been so much in these past few years, but especially this year. Now when things are finally starting to settle and I can feel the crisis lift, I find out that my brother is sick. It makes me question why? Why do we have to face yet another crisis? I can allow myself to really fall apart but I have to remember that everything happens for a reason, this was already in the plans. There has to be a bigger plan here. I will remain hopeful and positive that things will work out, that we can all handle this turbulent journey with strength and faith. 

Thought for the day: I am grateful for beautiful change that happens when I trust others to follow their dreams. 

Breathe in the peace

How strange it is. How strange that now that my son is in custody and there is nothing I can do to change that, there is peace, there really is. 

I have to remind myself every day to stay present, not to let my thoughts get out of control. If I stay present I see that things are as they need to be, I find joy, peace and pride in my beautiful phone conversations, almost daily, with my son, I can see and feel the extreme crisis we were living melting away like wax melts as a candle burns. 

Every time my phone rang when my son was in portage or open custody, my heart skipped a beat, the anxiety would mount, knowing that our conversation would be one of distress, panic, what do I do? How can you help me? Please fix this I can't handle it. The really bizarre thing is that I don't get that now. When the calls started, every call, I expected the same thing. Waited for it. When I asked "How was your day?" I just expected the crises to come up, the desperation for help, for me to of do something to fix this. It hasn't happened. At all. Every day he tells me he has had a good day, going to school, working on his ged, reading his book, going to the gym. He has gone from 6'3" and 118 pounds going in to 160 pounds in a month. He is peaceful and rested, not spinning all the time, not searching, he is accepting, maybe for the first time ever. 

My son is not only alive, he is living!!! Thank God. I know this is going to sound crazy, but I have never been more proud of him! I miss him so much, it really hurts, but....I am getting him back. When I talk to him, it's HIM! He is coming back to us! He is finding himself again and as much as I miss his physical presence I am so grateful for his "return". The "addict" is fading away and my son is shining through again. It's been a long time, it's so good to talk to him. 

Today I am going to remember to breathe. Enjoy snd accept this peace. My son is finding his own way back to us, this detour is absolutely necessary for his journey home. 

A Higher What?

Well, over this past few years, the past year especially, I have said more than once "I have to let go and trust." I have heard many people say to me "Let go, Let God." I felt a strong connection to my "higher power" and strongly believed that my son would be in good hands. The problem with this? I wasn't letting go, I wasn't trusting, I wasn't proving that I believed that something 'greater' would take care of things. 

 Last week I made a decision to take care of me. I am not sure why that decision happened last week, of all times. I made that decision to be strong, to trust and not to 'cover my fears' and not to'run away' from my pain. When things got bad at the end of the week I questioned why I would ever make that decision now. Now, more than ever, I NEED to have some help with my pain. My decision was made and I am a woman of my word. My 'just for today' is my amazingly strong daughter, and her ability to face the same fears and the same pain that I am facing. So, I decided that Face My Fear is what I must do. When you are faced with the fear that your 17 year old son may spend the next year or more in a youth detention center, that is one hell of a painful and scary fear to face. 

 As strange as this may sound, at this point, I am so grateful that my son is alive. He is safe. For the first time in a long time, I feel like he may have a future. That must sound like the craziest thing ever to some people. My son was dying. He was dying a slow and painful death. He was dragging me with him, in many ways. 

 I believe that there is a 'higher power' that is taking care of my son right now. I finally moved out of the way and allowed that power to take over. I prayed for him to be directed to people who would guide him in the right direction, but I was always in control of who those people were. I reached out to every organization I could think of and lined it all up. I wasn't letting go and letting anyone or any thing else have control. I was trying to control it all. I said I trusted, I didn't trust at all. 

 I was upset and shocked that they don't have NA or AA in the youth detention center. I thought about how I could change that. Maybe a conversation with the Minister of Public safety, yup, that would surely do it. Today I met a man, by chance, who is the chair person for AA in the correctional system. He told me to leave this in his hands and stop trying so hard. He told me that he will take care of that situation because that IS HIS role. Isn't that a funny little coincidence? Or is it? So I am letting go of my need to control that situation and I am going to trust that someone else, the right person will take care of it. 

 Well this really made me think that maybe I can be a vessel for change, but I cannot BE the change. Not for my son anyways. I CAN and WILL be the change for myself. I think I am learning that the more I step back and let go, there just may be bigger plans in action that I am standing in the way of. I need to get out of the way. I believe I really am about to walk a journey. My journey.

Photo credit:Recovery and Hope Facebook page. 188K likes!!!!

A gift in a different box

Well life throws us all kinds of challenges, crises and opportunities. Sometimes we need to realize that they are all the same gift. All crises can turn to opportubity if we can see what we are to learn from it. 

"I want to help you learn how to confidently look the prospect of failure in the eye and move forward anyway, because in life, the question is not if you will have problems, but how you are going to deal with them. Stop failing backward and start failing forward." THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AVERAGE PEOPLE AND ACHIEVIBG PEOPLE IS THEIR PERCEPTION OF AND RESPONSE TO FAILURE. John C.Maxwell~Author of Failing Forward.

Well, my family has received what I choose to believe is an opportunity. My son is in a position of great change. He is in a position to make a choice about what kind of life he will lead. For the next while, all I can do is trust. Trust that he will make the right choice. Trust that he has the tools needed to get through this and rise above. 

Love will see us through this. 

Walking beside instead of leading

I have been trying EVERYTHING I can think of to help save my son. I have tried every opportunity and every person and organization I can think of to help. I had a conversation with someone last week, another attempt to find answers to help my son. Well that conversation went very different than I had expected. How am I handling this crisis in my life was the question. Well, to be honest, I struggle very much, most of the time. I find one way or another to help me deal with the pain, sometimes it is good, other times, not so much. I need to start taking care of me, I need to find better ways to face my fears and face my pain. I need to lead by example, I need to walk my own path and hope that my children will walk beside me. I look at my daughter and I am so proud, so amazed at how strong she is. She has dealt with much pain, fear and crisis since her return home from rehab. She has looked at fear in the face and she has shown more strength than I could ever imagine, staying clean and sober in the face of deep pain. She hasn't reached for a glass (or two or three) of wine when the day was rough, she hasn't reached for the bottle of Ativan when things got much harder than she could handle or when fear poked it's ugly head up. When this question was asked, I thought, How am I handling the pain and crisis, how am I facing the fear in my life? What kind of an example am I to my children and to the youth I hope to mentor through recovery? I have made a decision that I will not reach for a glass of wine and I will not reach for that bottle of Ativan, or anything else, when fear shows itself. I will face my fears head on, I will face my pain and the crisis in my life with strength and pride. I will seek support when I need it, I will be a good, strong example. I will walk my own journey alongside my children, not leading them. I will give up the idea that I can control what will happen tomorrow. I will lead my own life, I will live for today and stop worrying about what might happen.

I will be strong and trust. Trust that they will do the right thing and then through my actions, show them that I trust in them by letting them do for themselves. 

Reaching out, spiraling down

As a mother, we feel it is our place to take care of our children. Sometimes we feel it is our place to help them, and when they are in trouble; protect them. When does this turn into enabling? How do we turn those natural instincts off? When do we force ourselves to stop helping and protecting and let them fall? How do we stay strong when we are falling apart on the inside? Why does motherhood have to be so unfair sometimes?