Fantasy

Sometimes all it takes for me to feel hope is one good visit with my son. One good day, where he smiles and engages in conversation, eats well, laughs, ask questions. What a great feeling that is. I often ask myself if I live in some sort of delusional fantasy world. I can go as far as to think that he is doing well when we have a visit like that. Today, we had a visit like that. 

Today I feel hope. Is it a fantasy? Maybe. I choose to think of those days as a sign, a sign that anything is still possible. I will never give up hope and I will always be grateful for those days. 

 Affirmation for today: I live in the present moment and appreciate all the each moment has to offer. I choose to see the positive and expect more of it.

The Bad Guys

When our children start to spread their wings in the drug world, it seems as though they are headed for a life that I am not so sure they truly understand. Tv and movies glamorizes the drug world and the drug scene ( a good example is Breaking Bad, the TV series, movies like The Pineapple Express, even though these movies are great I think that they sometimes make that world seem interesting to our youth). I am not really sure they understand the very real dangers they are putting themselves in when they get deeper and deeper into that scene. 

 There are some REALLY bad guys in that world. Unfortunately when they find themselves getting into heavier and heavier drugs or larger amounts,or they start selling to support their habit,they are sucking the people they love into that world too. When someone wants their money for drugs, they don't care how you get it, they want it, that is it. I have known many parents to pay thousands of dollars to get a "bad guy" off their child's back (me included, not thousands, but hundreds). We think we are helping them, maybe saving their life but it just never seems to end. What are we supposed to do? If we pay their debt, they just go back for more. How long can we continue this cycle? 

 The other night after midnight, a couple of those "bad guys" sprayed bear mace into the room that my son and his girlfriend sleep. The police and fire department had to be called and they had to clean the mess before it would be safe to re enter the house. My son's girlfriend's twelve year old brother was asleep and had to be woken up and taken outside. This is pretty scary. This is not some random event, people don't randomly spray bear mace into people houses, whats the connection? What kind of trouble are they in now? 

 At times I feel like I live in a bad movie. People are always saying to me that their lives are so boring compared to mine. Oh, how I long for a normal life without all this drama. I am grateful that I could put my boundaries up and keep the "bad guys" out of my house and my ten year old's life. I feel horrible to think that another family is now involved and another child has to learn about the "bad guys" too soon in life. 

 How do we keep our children safe? How do we stay safe ourselves? How does a person become a "bad guy"? At what point in their life do they take a path that leads them to darkness? How do we keep our children from taking that path?

Fear & Uncertainty

I am not sure if the title for this post is very accurate. I am experiencing fear....uncertainty, I am not so sure. I am certain that once again, very soon, I will most likely experience more crisis with my son. How can I be certain about this? Well, this is becoming my new normal. 

I think that if I had to pick the crisis I have the hardest time dealing with, in this world of addiction in which I live,it would be when my son is living on the street. That is definitely the hardest and most stressful, where we experience the most fear. I am pretty certain we are about to experience this most dreaded event once again. A 15 & a 17 year old living together and spending all their time together is not an easy situation, now add drugs to the picture, not good. I am expecting that my son will be kicked out of his girlfriend's mothers place any day. This will, once again, put him on the street and homeless. I am terrified. Not only am I terrified for what he will experience, where he will go, and how long it will take him to get in the shape he was in last winter on the street, where I felt he was close to death at 124 pounds. I am terrified for what it will do to my daughter, what it will do me and to my family. How will we survive this terrible fate once again? He has no phone now so I will have no way to reach him or know where he is. Does he deserve to stay at his girlfriend's mothers? Absolutely not. With very few rules and total freedom, these two young addicts can barely manage. She isn't going to school, he isn't looking for work. They don't clean up after themselves and terrorize her twelve year old brother while her mother is at work. They steal anything they can get their hands on and spend their days high and, I assume, selling drugs. This is a nightmare.

 I find myself, once again, hoping and praying that maybe, just maybe, the law will help. Maybe at his court date in October he will receive a sentence of some type of custody. I find it is crazy that I am hoping for a custody sentence, I believe this may be the only thing to save his life. What mother hopes that their seventeen year old son has to go to jail? Well, It is a mother that is praying that her son see his eighteenth birthday.

 My affirmation for today: I have faith that things will resolve themselves in the best way possible.

Photo credit: Recovery and hope Facebook page 

My Mood~Your Mood~My Life

I have often said that when my addict is up, I am up, when my addict is down, I am down. I feel like I have grown so much over the past few years. A quote from a 'must read' book for anyone with addiction in their family : Addict in The Family by Beverly Conyers. "My mood depends on how well she is doing, I can gauge her state of mind within five seconds of seeing her or talking to her on the phone. If things are okay, I can feel my mood lighten. If she's not having a good day, my spirits sink. It's like we are attached at the hip. When she cycles up, I cycle up. When she cycles down, I cycle down." 

This scenerio is so familiar to families suffering addiction. Kind of ironic though as we learn that if our addict is in active addiction, most of their "up" days are days they are using and the "down" days are days when they are not. Now, most of my "mood swings" happen when there is crisis. So as long as there is no really big crisis happening, I am really okay. I know as hard as I try, I still go through most days hoping for the best but expecting the worst. I think it is a defense mechanism that keeps me from losing my mind when there is crisis. 

 As parents of addicts we are usually obsessed with our child's addiction. Finding it hard to think about, or talk about, anything else. Even my daughter, who is her own treatment, spends a lot of her time thinking about and doing therapy trying to figure out how to help her brother. Addiction is such a selfish disease. If only they knew and understood how much we care and how much pain their actions are causing the people who love them most, if only...

It can't rain forever

Sometimes it feels like the torment of addiction may never end. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. At a family group I attend the others confronted me with their concern and advice to let go. I mean make that dreaded decision to tell my son that I am done with this addiction and won't tolerate his addictive behaviors in my life any longer. That it is time to tell him I will always be here to love him and help him when he is ready for help but until that time I have to close the door on the addict. 

As I sat listening I felt a part of me was dying, screaming inside, I know this is true, I know it's time, it has been time for a long while now. 

I don't know if I am strong enough, I don't know if I'm brave enough, I'm not sure if my faith is strong enough to pull me through this torture. I feel as though someone has their hand down my throat and is pulling my heart out of my chest. I can't breath. 

Nothing I've tried has worked. I'm not sure if I can stand the pain of him feeling truly alone. What if he doesn't make it? 

A lot of the time I feel he is already gone. 

My affirmation: I believe in miracles, I am grateful for the strength that will help me through this. 

Photo credit: recovery & hope Facebook page 

Letter written to my son one year ago

I sit here thinking. Thinking about what is my next step? What is my plan? What can I possibly do that will make a difference? My thoughts, waking and asleep, are consumed with you, my heart is full of love for you and sadness too. I have watched you slip in and out of drug use and I have felt intense grief when the Son we know and love is replaced with the addict. I have come to realize, at this time, that our Son  is only about two days away. Seems so close but yet so unreachable. I feel like I'm reaching my hand out to you as you slip further and further away each time. Two days away. When I see you I feel like I have been given a gift, it is brief now, usually only a few hours but I cherish those hours with you. You ask questions, just like you always have, you have intense curiosity, always have ever since you were really little. You smile, you have such a beautiful smile. You read, you talk to us, just like you used to. Then out you go and you are gone again. You will come home, usually very moody, sharp in your answers, defensive, not pleasant. Sometimes you eat, I mean anything you can get your hands on, other times you eat nothing at all. Then you sleep. Unless you are on the computer, you are sleeping. You can't remember anything you are passionate about, you don't want to join us, talk to us, you don't smile and you never ask questions. Sometimes you will sleep all day. Sometimes it seems you can't sleep at all, other times, I can't get you up. Then after two days, there you are. My son. You ask me a question, you smile, I know it's you. I have missed you so much. I just want to wrap my arms around you and tell you how much I have missed you, but I'm scared I will miss it, I am scared I will say the wrong thing and miss your brief visit. I wish you could see how wonderful you are. I wish you knew how much I miss you. I wish you cared. I wish you would stay.

This is what Relapse feels like. 

Our Children & Their Drugs

There is always a reason that a young person reaches out for drugs or accepts an invitation to use. Whether it be because they have suffered bullying and want to fit in, they want to act out rebelliously because of problems at home, they are searching for a way to handle pressures of daily life or anxiety or a number of other possibilities, there is an underlying issue. Maybe they just want to appear "cool" or rebellious, but why do they seek that reputation? I can ask that question and I know that I too, made a choice to abuse drugs and alcohol when I was a youth, I know what my reasons were, there are always reasons....

When drug use begins very young, at around 11 or 12, yes some children do start using drugs at this age, this is where additional problems with development can be seen later on in adolescence. Sadly, my son began his journey with drugs at this early age and I had no idea until years later. How can a parent not realize that their 11 or 12 year old is using or abusing drugs? Well, usually when this early use starts there are many other issues and problems that are being dealt with and we just don't think of drugs coming into the picture. Looking back now, yes, I can see how it may have all started, I can see that there were indicators early on that I didn't recognize. wouldn't middle school teachers and guidance counsellors have some indication when all the flags were being raised? Missing school, anti social behaviours, dropping grades, aren't these red flags that would cause some alarm? On my behalf, the alarm was because there was some extreme bullying activity taking place, this is where my attention and my focus was applied. At the time when he started to make friends, I was just so happy that he had friends that I didn't take notice that maybe those friends were the ones smoking pot behind the school. when he started to pull away from doing things as a family, I thought it was only a natural part of adolescent development. 

I always knew that when my son would experiment with getting high or drunk that it could become a problem. Being such a shy child with so much anxiety and lack of friends, of course he would realize how much easier it was to be social when high. I had no idea where that would lead him, where it would lead us all. 

"Part of adolescents' denial, however, is an illusion of free will: the false belief that they are "choosing" to be involved in self-destructive behaviours like drug abuse, when in reality it's the drug that is making their decisions." -Substance Abuse and Adolescent Development -Nowinski, J. 

Now, five years later, look where we are! In a world of drugs, lying, stealing and deceit. My son no longer can live in our home, he is incapable of attending school or a job, barely capable of visiting for any more than a two hour stretch. He has gone from being the smartest, most passionate person I knew to a seventeen year old with a grade nine education and not a single passion, besides getting high. He says he doesn't read or watch movies because he can't focus that long and finds no joy in it anymore. it breaks my heart. He is in my heart and on my mind all the time. 

I have had moments where I think "Wow, I think he is doing ok" he smiles, we have a conversation, he hugs me and tells me he loves me. I have seen times where the wall around him was so high that I couldn't get through to him at all so this feels good. I know that he is not that far away. I am willing to accept what little I can get at this point. A smile is enough some days to make me feel like he is still with us. How many times will I mourn my son? How many "new versions" of the real him will I have to get to know and accept? Unconditional love can be so incredibly painful. 

Tomorrow is another court date. I am terrified. It has become a normal part of my life now. I am not even sure what I am terrified about; whether he will be charged and have to deal with difficult circumstances or that the charges won't show up and he won't experience any necessary consequences. Am I terrified that his friend will be sent to adult prison and I will have to see that pain in his young face when they take him away? or am I more afraid that he won't get a sentence and will be released once again to cause more pain and suffering in my son's and my family's life? Maybe I am terrified to cry in court in front of everyone and show my deep pain in public or maybe I won't cry and I will appear that I don't care at all. Maybe I am just terrified because I know the true danger that my son's life is really in and go about my life day to day trying to be normal. 

My affirmation for today: I let go of my expectations for others and believe, trust and expect only the best.