Standing Ground

Ok. Breathe. Wow, someone should have told me how hard this would be. I want things to get better for my son. I want him to make moves to get the help he needs. Spinning and spinning, that's what it feels like, a ride in a carnival, you are just spinning and spinning and want desperately to get off. My son will never choose to help himself if he thinks I will take him back home anyways. I have to be a hard-ass now. I need to make it very clear that I WILL NOT take him home unless he makes move to get help for himself. Period. Sounds easier than it is in this situation. I have already tried this once before, back in January. Told him he couldn't come home unless.Well, he spent 10 days on the street in -30 weather, lost 45 pounds and was close to death in my opinion, don't think he would have made it another week. I cannot survive that again. So, here it goes. I pray he tries to get help. I believe in him. Now, to take care of me.
Photo credit: recovery and hope Facebook page

No one will walk thru my mind with their dirty feet!

(The heading for this post is a quote from Robin Sharma) wow, I love that quote but I have not listened to it lately. I will start listening better to my own wisdom and I am going to work exceptionally hard at keeping other's from cluttering my thoughts with their garbage.

"No person, place, or thing has any power over us. We are the only thinkers in our minds."
Louise L. Hay~Heart Thoughts.

This is daily practice that will help us to keep control of our own thoughts, our own feelings and stop taking responsibility for the thoughts & feelings of others. We can only take control of our own life. As parents of addicts we must realize this. We must learn to let go. As brutally hard as it is, we must let our addicts take responsibility for themselves.

Through all of what my son has been through this past two years, everything that has not worked for him, there is only one thing that he has brought to each of these places of help, himself! The change MUST be within him. There is nothing else that I can do to help him, he must help himself.

This is my homework:
When thoughts of pain and hurt and worry enter my mind I will acknowledge those feelings briefly, then I will bless my son with love and then I will release the feelings of pain and move on.

The picture is of new spring growth, still buried within much of the old year's leftovers, this is reflective of my today; my goal is to start cleaning up the old stuff and uncover more beauty and focus on that!

when one suffers~others suffer

If your family is suffering through addiction, you know that one family member's journey down this dark road is a lonely one but unfortunately each family member is also suffering their own lonely journey. When parents are dealing with the sometimes "extreme crisis" with the addicted family member, what is happening with the other children in the family? Don't think for one second they are not affected, they are affected, as much as you are. I believe that each family member is suffering their own lonely journey. We must remember to support the other children, even though they may look like they are not in crisis, they very well can be. Their crisis may take on a different shape than the other crisis your family is dealing with. Remember addiction is a family disease. Throughout our long and difficult journey this past few years with my son, my daughter has been suffering her own pain. Worrying about the rest of her family, worrying about her brother, feeling lost and alone while screaming for help silently, so silently that it took some time to see how much pain she was actually in. You see, how does a child tell her family she needs help when she can see for herself that everyone is suffering? At times acting out, at times reaching to mind altering substances to ease the pain, at time wanting to feel the physical pain in different ways; these are all ways a teenage girl may reach out for help. Our pain has been real, our pain has been deep. My daughter has suffered the same broken heart that I have, I have wanted to help her, I try, but how is a mother to help mend her daughters broken heart when her is broken too, so broken. My daughter came to me a couple months ago after one of my son's court hearings. She told me that she was afraid, that she was not coping with all her pain and suffering in healthy ways and that if she were not to get some help, she fears she would end up like him. Like her brother, where nothing and no one matters anymore except the drugs and that life. She said she wants help to learn how to cope better. Yesterday my daughter was admitted to Portage Atlantic for residential treatment. I am so proud of her and of her strength and how truly wonderful she is, I will miss her beyond words but I will get back my wonderful girl with new found strength and coping to carry her through her life's ups & downs. All my love xxx
Photo credit:Recovery and Hope

If you just believe.....

Coincidence, fate, do these things have a place in our lives?
I've always chosen to believe in the unseen, to have hope and think positive. Lately my 'positive thinking skills' have been a little messed up. Deep down inside I am a believer, I must never forget that.
When my family made a decision this past November to pick up and go on a Rocky Mountain Adventure, the decision was made without money saved or put away to take this $10,000 vacation. Out of nowhere gifts started to be given to us , from family who was more than generous, who also believed in possibility. Then an unexpected cheque arrived. I really had to think and realize that maybe I still had it, that gift of belief in the impossible, those skills that I had buried, and hope and faith were still at work in my life.
Yesterday another funny coincidence struck my life. I will not say anything at the moment except I believe, I have faith that this coincidence could have a big impact on our lives, a reminder that I need to stay positive and never give up hope.

“Out there things can happen, and frequently do,
To people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen, don't worry, don't stew.
Just go right along, you'll start happening too!”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Photo credit, as usual, Recovery and hope Facebook page.

Living a "playful" life

I am taking a coaching course. As a coach, we talk the language of play. This is a new way of talking for me and as we learn our "coach" talk, we have been learning why the spirit of play is so important. I have learned that the opposite of play is NOT work, it is depression. Well if I reverse that then the opposite of depression must be play. How can we work our way out of depression when we are going through a rough period in life? I believe that by adding more playfulness, more joy to our lives, we will be changing those feelings from depressed to happy. So what kind of things could we do to add more play into our lives? Well, maybe a walk in nature, a good old fashion pillow fight with one of the kids, or maybe the hubby, maybe listening to music, maybe dancing, maybe playing a board game with the family, maybe shooting hoops with your son or daughter, being creative and working with clay or painting, drawing, colouring, a night out with a friend, swinging on a swing in a playground ( yup even adults can do that!) to name a few.
Add play to your life when you least feel like you want to, see what happens! I am going to try it today!!!!
Photo credit to its respectful owner, photo found on Internet, I love it. If it belongs to you and you want it removed, please MSG me.

Are we defined by our "Story"?

I feel victimized by my son's situation. I am so tired of being a victim. I don't want my life to be defined by my son's decisions to live his life in the shadow of drugs. Often times when we are struggling through times of crisis we repeat events that have happened in our heads, over and over again. We think them through, re tell our stories, trying desperately to understand the pain. According to Sark's book, Glad, no matter what, these stories we tell go on for much longer than the feelings and each and every time we re-think it, each and every time we re-tell it, those feelings are reawakened "and we think we are still 'there'".
There are times I would like to just forget my "stories" and move on. Then the mother comes out and says " how can you move on when your son's life is falling apart?" Well, we can move on. We can make a decision that our life will NOT be defined by our addict's story. We learn how to let go. We learn how to forgive. We can learn to tell new stories. We can learn how to live for each moment and love each moment as we live them instead of fearing the future. If we stay in the present moment and live that story each day, the pain is sure to subside. We learn that we can only control our own thoughts, our own actions and not those of our addict, we stop being a victim, we learn to live again.
Photo credit: Recovery and Hope Facebook Page

Reminder to self:Enjoy Today!!!

At times of stress most of us, myself included, tend to wish for time to pass quickly to get to whatever we need to ease our anxiety. In doing this, we wish our life away and miss all kinds of special moments. We need to enjoy all our moments, we just never know how many moments we have left. My thoughts are with those in Boston.
Today I will enjoy each of my moments, regardless of the anxiety and stress of my son's situation. Today, I will be grateful that he is safe and enjoy my daughter, my other son, my hubby, my mother and all the other wonderful people in my life. I will enjoy the sunshine and signs of a fresh start that springtime brings, I am grateful for Today.
Thanks again, Recovery and Hope Facebook page for another inspirational picture!!