Rationalizing, deception and justifying are all a part of manipulation. Beware of these behaviours and don't allow them to continue, catch them as early as you can, they will create chaos in your life and by allowing these behaviours to continue, the disease of addiction will grow. (Www.interceptinterventions.com)
Without manipulation, the addict is vulnerable. If we take that tool from our addict, they will become vulnerable and there may be an opportunity in that vulnerability for them to reach out for help.
My son is the master of all manipulators! Without a doubt, he is very skilled at manipulation. As a mother, I have allowed myself to be a victim of his powers. Not on purpose. I just love him so much and when he manipulates me into thinking that something bad will happen if....I have usually caved. I am getting stronger, when I feel manipulated, I don't react right away, I pause the conversation, don't answer questions that require answers right away, so that I can think about what is really happening and consider my response and be sure that his manipulation isn't what is causing me to react and make a quick decision based on what my heart thinks and feels, instead of thinking clearly with my head. This takes a lot of practice, I need to be on top of my game so I can be aware of when I am being manipulated, deceived. I need to stop justifying my reactions with my guilt, my grief and allowing myself to be a victim. I need to allow myself time to be strong, allow him to see how strong I am becoming, this will help him to become stronger also and develop "real" tools that can be used to help his recovery.
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Yup - we are certainly master manipulators. Not all manipulators are addicts / alcoholics, but all addicts and alcoholics are manipulators. Unfortunately, it comes with the role. And like you said, it's such a learned behaviour, we don't often even know we are doing it. And of course, many times we DO know we are doing it.
ReplyDeleteIt all comes down to self-preservation. We are so selfish and self-centered and self-seeking, that we need the things we need to continue with our addiction. Time, money, favours, housing, security, etc. all come with a price - and it's the family and/or friends that pay it.
I never saw myself as a manipulator, and it wasn't until I stopped drinking and seeing things for what they really were was I able to see it for what it was - the ego at work. The funny thing is that we addicts / alcoholics see *ourselves* as the victim! Why are these people doing this to *me*? Why are they treating *me* like this? Why won't people just listen to *me*? Etc.
I am happy to see you doing what you are doing - pausing, putting the brakes on his actions / words, asking questions, etc. that tends to anger us, but it's a good thing to do - get us to face ourselves, and that's a difficult thing to do. Protect yourself and your integrity and dignity.
Wonderful post :)
Blessings,
Paul
Thanks Paul, for your thoughtful comment and sharing, it means a lot to hear from people who have experienced "the other side". You are right, the pause etc, does anger the addict therefore making it a very difficult move to make for a parent, however necessary. Being a parent of an addict certainly has challenges I never thought I would have to deal with, or could deal with, as a mother, not fair:( ~sorry for the self pity~ I guess it will make us stronger.......
ReplyDeleteHave a wonderful day
Trish