I have to remind myself every day to stay present, not to let my thoughts get out of control. If I stay present I see that things are as they need to be, I find joy, peace and pride in my beautiful phone conversations, almost daily, with my son, I can see and feel the extreme crisis we were living melting away like wax melts as a candle burns.
Every time my phone rang when my son was in portage or open custody, my heart skipped a beat, the anxiety would mount, knowing that our conversation would be one of distress, panic, what do I do? How can you help me? Please fix this I can't handle it. The really bizarre thing is that I don't get that now. When the calls started, every call, I expected the same thing. Waited for it. When I asked "How was your day?" I just expected the crises to come up, the desperation for help, for me to of do something to fix this. It hasn't happened. At all. Every day he tells me he has had a good day, going to school, working on his ged, reading his book, going to the gym. He has gone from 6'3" and 118 pounds going in to 160 pounds in a month. He is peaceful and rested, not spinning all the time, not searching, he is accepting, maybe for the first time ever.
My son is not only alive, he is living!!! Thank God. I know this is going to sound crazy, but I have never been more proud of him! I miss him so much, it really hurts, but....I am getting him back. When I talk to him, it's HIM! He is coming back to us! He is finding himself again and as much as I miss his physical presence I am so grateful for his "return". The "addict" is fading away and my son is shining through again. It's been a long time, it's so good to talk to him.
Today I am going to remember to breathe. Enjoy snd accept this peace. My son is finding his own way back to us, this detour is absolutely necessary for his journey home.
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