Walking beside instead of leading

I have been trying EVERYTHING I can think of to help save my son. I have tried every opportunity and every person and organization I can think of to help. I had a conversation with someone last week, another attempt to find answers to help my son. Well that conversation went very different than I had expected. How am I handling this crisis in my life was the question. Well, to be honest, I struggle very much, most of the time. I find one way or another to help me deal with the pain, sometimes it is good, other times, not so much. I need to start taking care of me, I need to find better ways to face my fears and face my pain. I need to lead by example, I need to walk my own path and hope that my children will walk beside me. I look at my daughter and I am so proud, so amazed at how strong she is. She has dealt with much pain, fear and crisis since her return home from rehab. She has looked at fear in the face and she has shown more strength than I could ever imagine, staying clean and sober in the face of deep pain. She hasn't reached for a glass (or two or three) of wine when the day was rough, she hasn't reached for the bottle of Ativan when things got much harder than she could handle or when fear poked it's ugly head up. When this question was asked, I thought, How am I handling the pain and crisis, how am I facing the fear in my life? What kind of an example am I to my children and to the youth I hope to mentor through recovery? I have made a decision that I will not reach for a glass of wine and I will not reach for that bottle of Ativan, or anything else, when fear shows itself. I will face my fears head on, I will face my pain and the crisis in my life with strength and pride. I will seek support when I need it, I will be a good, strong example. I will walk my own journey alongside my children, not leading them. I will give up the idea that I can control what will happen tomorrow. I will lead my own life, I will live for today and stop worrying about what might happen.

I will be strong and trust. Trust that they will do the right thing and then through my actions, show them that I trust in them by letting them do for themselves.