A Higher What?

Well, over this past few years, the past year especially, I have said more than once "I have to let go and trust." I have heard many people say to me "Let go, Let God." I felt a strong connection to my "higher power" and strongly believed that my son would be in good hands. The problem with this? I wasn't letting go, I wasn't trusting, I wasn't proving that I believed that something 'greater' would take care of things. 

 Last week I made a decision to take care of me. I am not sure why that decision happened last week, of all times. I made that decision to be strong, to trust and not to 'cover my fears' and not to'run away' from my pain. When things got bad at the end of the week I questioned why I would ever make that decision now. Now, more than ever, I NEED to have some help with my pain. My decision was made and I am a woman of my word. My 'just for today' is my amazingly strong daughter, and her ability to face the same fears and the same pain that I am facing. So, I decided that Face My Fear is what I must do. When you are faced with the fear that your 17 year old son may spend the next year or more in a youth detention center, that is one hell of a painful and scary fear to face. 

 As strange as this may sound, at this point, I am so grateful that my son is alive. He is safe. For the first time in a long time, I feel like he may have a future. That must sound like the craziest thing ever to some people. My son was dying. He was dying a slow and painful death. He was dragging me with him, in many ways. 

 I believe that there is a 'higher power' that is taking care of my son right now. I finally moved out of the way and allowed that power to take over. I prayed for him to be directed to people who would guide him in the right direction, but I was always in control of who those people were. I reached out to every organization I could think of and lined it all up. I wasn't letting go and letting anyone or any thing else have control. I was trying to control it all. I said I trusted, I didn't trust at all. 

 I was upset and shocked that they don't have NA or AA in the youth detention center. I thought about how I could change that. Maybe a conversation with the Minister of Public safety, yup, that would surely do it. Today I met a man, by chance, who is the chair person for AA in the correctional system. He told me to leave this in his hands and stop trying so hard. He told me that he will take care of that situation because that IS HIS role. Isn't that a funny little coincidence? Or is it? So I am letting go of my need to control that situation and I am going to trust that someone else, the right person will take care of it. 

 Well this really made me think that maybe I can be a vessel for change, but I cannot BE the change. Not for my son anyways. I CAN and WILL be the change for myself. I think I am learning that the more I step back and let go, there just may be bigger plans in action that I am standing in the way of. I need to get out of the way. I believe I really am about to walk a journey. My journey.

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