A letter to my son

Dear Son,

 I sit here thinking of you, as I very often do. I find it so hard to know the right thing to do these days. Some days I see you, I can see how messed up you are, your slurring speech, you grey color, your frail, thin body, wasting away practically before my eyes.On these days I see you and I think that it may not be long before I lose you. I actually even, in some strange way, prepare myself at times for it. I can even find my mind thinking that I hope when it happens it isn't too painful and that I can be brave enough to handle it and be strong enough for your sister and brother. Every day when I see you I always make sure to tell you how much I love you, I hug you, not knowing when it could be our last. I pray every single day that we have time, have time to get you the help you need and turn your life around. 

 Honestly, I am terrified. Do you think I can't see how thin you really are under all those clothes? Do you think I don't notice how wrecked you are when we talk? At times, you can barely speak, or remember the last thing I said to you, sometimes I can hardly even understand you. Then, there are days where, there you are! Looking pretty good, a little color in your face, talking and asking questions like you always did. Those days I think, maybe it's all in my imagination. Maybe you really are ok, maybe things aren't as bad as I think they are. Maybe.

I know that some people think that I should let you go. That maybe if I shut you out that you might turn your life around and get the help you need. Maybe. My heart tells me no. I believe it is really more possible that you will give up, I think you won't make it and I will really lose you for sure. I can't bare the thought of losing you, I especially can't bare the thought of losing you and you thinking that I have given up on you. I will never give up on you. 

 So what's the right thing to do? There are no answers, there are no guarantees. There is a lot of fear and uncertainty, but I am strong in faith and I have hope that somehow things will be ok. I believe that I will keep trying to introduce you to people who may have an impact on you, I believe that one day something will click and you will see. As long as I still keep seeing glimpses of "you", signs that you are still there, I will be here, trying to bring you back to us. I will always be here loving you and believing in you, always. 

 I believe, trust, and expect, only the best. I believe. I trust. I expect. Only the best.