Our Children & Their Drugs

There is always a reason that a young person reaches out for drugs or accepts an invitation to use. Whether it be because they have suffered bullying and want to fit in, they want to act out rebelliously because of problems at home, they are searching for a way to handle pressures of daily life or anxiety or a number of other possibilities, there is an underlying issue. Maybe they just want to appear "cool" or rebellious, but why do they seek that reputation? I can ask that question and I know that I too, made a choice to abuse drugs and alcohol when I was a youth, I know what my reasons were, there are always reasons....

When drug use begins very young, at around 11 or 12, yes some children do start using drugs at this age, this is where additional problems with development can be seen later on in adolescence. Sadly, my son began his journey with drugs at this early age and I had no idea until years later. How can a parent not realize that their 11 or 12 year old is using or abusing drugs? Well, usually when this early use starts there are many other issues and problems that are being dealt with and we just don't think of drugs coming into the picture. Looking back now, yes, I can see how it may have all started, I can see that there were indicators early on that I didn't recognize. wouldn't middle school teachers and guidance counsellors have some indication when all the flags were being raised? Missing school, anti social behaviours, dropping grades, aren't these red flags that would cause some alarm? On my behalf, the alarm was because there was some extreme bullying activity taking place, this is where my attention and my focus was applied. At the time when he started to make friends, I was just so happy that he had friends that I didn't take notice that maybe those friends were the ones smoking pot behind the school. when he started to pull away from doing things as a family, I thought it was only a natural part of adolescent development. 

I always knew that when my son would experiment with getting high or drunk that it could become a problem. Being such a shy child with so much anxiety and lack of friends, of course he would realize how much easier it was to be social when high. I had no idea where that would lead him, where it would lead us all. 

"Part of adolescents' denial, however, is an illusion of free will: the false belief that they are "choosing" to be involved in self-destructive behaviours like drug abuse, when in reality it's the drug that is making their decisions." -Substance Abuse and Adolescent Development -Nowinski, J. 

Now, five years later, look where we are! In a world of drugs, lying, stealing and deceit. My son no longer can live in our home, he is incapable of attending school or a job, barely capable of visiting for any more than a two hour stretch. He has gone from being the smartest, most passionate person I knew to a seventeen year old with a grade nine education and not a single passion, besides getting high. He says he doesn't read or watch movies because he can't focus that long and finds no joy in it anymore. it breaks my heart. He is in my heart and on my mind all the time. 

I have had moments where I think "Wow, I think he is doing ok" he smiles, we have a conversation, he hugs me and tells me he loves me. I have seen times where the wall around him was so high that I couldn't get through to him at all so this feels good. I know that he is not that far away. I am willing to accept what little I can get at this point. A smile is enough some days to make me feel like he is still with us. How many times will I mourn my son? How many "new versions" of the real him will I have to get to know and accept? Unconditional love can be so incredibly painful. 

Tomorrow is another court date. I am terrified. It has become a normal part of my life now. I am not even sure what I am terrified about; whether he will be charged and have to deal with difficult circumstances or that the charges won't show up and he won't experience any necessary consequences. Am I terrified that his friend will be sent to adult prison and I will have to see that pain in his young face when they take him away? or am I more afraid that he won't get a sentence and will be released once again to cause more pain and suffering in my son's and my family's life? Maybe I am terrified to cry in court in front of everyone and show my deep pain in public or maybe I won't cry and I will appear that I don't care at all. Maybe I am just terrified because I know the true danger that my son's life is really in and go about my life day to day trying to be normal. 

My affirmation for today: I let go of my expectations for others and believe, trust and expect only the best.