Blinded

When I sit in that court room waiting to see what consequences my teenage son will receive, my heart pounding inside my chest, my ears ringing, I feel like screaming out "PLEASE SEE THAT THIS BOY NEEDS HELP!", but I can't. 

Another month, another chance to get your life together. Go pick up the broken pieces of your life boy, do it! Can't they see????? Why can't they see that he cannot do this on his own? I sit biting my tongue so hard that I figure blood will drip from the corner of my mouth at any given moment, giving away my inner turmoil. It doesn't. Nothing happens, as usual. 

Another month to try to stay alive. Another chance at getting into yet more trouble, or worse..... I cannot stand up in that court room anymore and say what is on my mind, I can't influence the courts decision, this HAS to be about him and HIS actions, not about me. If I do stand up and speak, it is guaranteed that this will be 'my fault'. 

 So, once again, we have a month to see. No offers for help. No insisting he seek addiction or mental health counseling. Leaving his fate up to the few "interventionists" who he still has left that want to help. Just the directive to go out and 'fix your life'. If he could fix this, don't you think he would have done that already? So, what adventure lies ahead of us for this month? 

 My affirmation for today is: I continue to see the good in everyone, knowing that deep inside lies every possibility.I believe in miracles.