My Christmas wishes

All I want for Christmas is for you to be safe, clean & healthy, no more rehabs, no more courts, no more institutions or probation, no more worry and fears, no more tears and heartache. All I want is for you to see. See how amazing you are and decide to fight for your life, as hard as we are all fighting for it. I want my family back, all of it. I want to sleep, breathe and live again. I want to laugh and feel joy without that dark cloud of fear over my head. 

I wish for peace, for my family and yours,

Merry Christmas. 

Food for thought

"If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking." Buddhist Proverb

Once I could have said that my son would take 2 steps forward and 10 steps back, never actually moving forward. Today I can say that I believe he is taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back. He is slowly making progress, slowly inching his way forward. I see this for the miracle that it is. I am grateful for these baby steps. 

One day at a time. One foot in front in the other. Failure is not falling down, it is refusing to get up. 

In the Blink of an Eye

That's how fast it changes. Just like that. 

Well HELLO Sunshine!

I am writing this blog as real as it gets. 

This is the life of addiction from the eyes of a mother. 

 After my son breeching his residency order on probation, he spent two nights in detention. He made a decision to try to get back in to the transitional housing program. This is a great choice. The judge will see him in two weeks for an update and to see if he gets into the program next week. 

 Two days, that is all it took to bring him back to me this time. He was himself again last night. He even visited with his dad and had a conversation which hasnt happened in over 6 months. He says he doesn't want a relationship with him but I know it is because he is so hurt and let down that he is protecting himself. Last night he let down his guard and he felt good, happy.He had color in his face, and that beautiful smile. He was full of excitement, talking, asking questions, it was beautiful. 

 I told my husband, I know that this can change at any moment, I know this. I choose to believe that every time he feels this happiness and lets down his guard and lets people love him, it will bring him that much closer to wanting more of that in his life. I choose to enjoy every single one of those precious moments, and beautiful smiles. That is what living for today means. It means that we don't think about the past mistakes, and we don't fear for what might happen tomorrow, it means we cherish every gift that is presented to us, today.

Praying for a miracle

Things have gotten hard again.....my son was kicked out onto the street yesterday. It was only a matter of time. 

The street is my nightmare! Now I'm living it again. God help me, help all of us. Watch over my son. I'm praying he makes a choice for help, he has to break these chains, he's out of options. 

Breathe. Pray. Repeat. 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Breathe. Pray. Repeat. 

Prescription for Addiction

I have always found it interesting how many parents I meet who have teens with addiction issues who are diagnosed with psychosis, insomnia and ADD. They are prescribed risperidone, seroquil and concerta or Ritalin. I have come to feel that this is possibly the biggest "parent-pacifying fraud" happening in the field of psychiatry. I do realize that sleep disorders, anxiety, lack of concentration, paranoia are symptoms of the above mentioned disorders but they are also symptoms of active addiction and drug use. I am starting to think that prescriptions are given to pacify parents. Now we have our drug-using teenager not only using a multitude of street drugs but numbed down by prescription meds too! If that isn't enough.....now they have access to a couple of easily abused and sellable Meds of their own! Yes, I'm afraid to tell you that seroquil is often smoked on the end of a cigarette, possibly even crushed and snorted (yikes!) and Ritalin, well this is one if the most saught after prescription meds on campus and at school. 

I guess it seems to me that a person just can't win! 

Check out the video by Big Pharma- Define Better! 

My affirmation for today: I trust my instincts and follow them when seeking the truth. 

A letter to my son

Dear Son,

 I sit here thinking of you, as I very often do. I find it so hard to know the right thing to do these days. Some days I see you, I can see how messed up you are, your slurring speech, you grey color, your frail, thin body, wasting away practically before my eyes.On these days I see you and I think that it may not be long before I lose you. I actually even, in some strange way, prepare myself at times for it. I can even find my mind thinking that I hope when it happens it isn't too painful and that I can be brave enough to handle it and be strong enough for your sister and brother. Every day when I see you I always make sure to tell you how much I love you, I hug you, not knowing when it could be our last. I pray every single day that we have time, have time to get you the help you need and turn your life around. 

 Honestly, I am terrified. Do you think I can't see how thin you really are under all those clothes? Do you think I don't notice how wrecked you are when we talk? At times, you can barely speak, or remember the last thing I said to you, sometimes I can hardly even understand you. Then, there are days where, there you are! Looking pretty good, a little color in your face, talking and asking questions like you always did. Those days I think, maybe it's all in my imagination. Maybe you really are ok, maybe things aren't as bad as I think they are. Maybe.

I know that some people think that I should let you go. That maybe if I shut you out that you might turn your life around and get the help you need. Maybe. My heart tells me no. I believe it is really more possible that you will give up, I think you won't make it and I will really lose you for sure. I can't bare the thought of losing you, I especially can't bare the thought of losing you and you thinking that I have given up on you. I will never give up on you. 

 So what's the right thing to do? There are no answers, there are no guarantees. There is a lot of fear and uncertainty, but I am strong in faith and I have hope that somehow things will be ok. I believe that I will keep trying to introduce you to people who may have an impact on you, I believe that one day something will click and you will see. As long as I still keep seeing glimpses of "you", signs that you are still there, I will be here, trying to bring you back to us. I will always be here loving you and believing in you, always. 

 I believe, trust, and expect, only the best. I believe. I trust. I expect. Only the best.

He's All In!

wow!! Saw the Robb Nash concert last night. He had some pretty powerful things to say! He told a story about a past band member who had a drug problem. He talked about his passion and his talent and about his addiction. He said that this friend wondered why he was "cursed" and couldn't stay away from drugs that would keep getting in the way of living the life that he wanted. When Robb said that he wasn't cursed that he was gifted, that whatever this guy put his mind to, whatever he was passionate about, he was ALL IN! Drugs included! 

This is how I see my son. One of the most gifted people I know. More passion about anything he is interested in than anyone I know. He is an ALL IN person. If only he could put that passion into something else besides the drug world, if only he could see how gifted he really is. 

I think a lot about addicts, about the torment they must feel. I think that many of these people are probably in the same boat. They are gifted beyond their wildest dreams. If only they could see it. 

When you are up....You are UP!

And when you are down....You are in the depths of pure living HELL! This is the story of addiction:( Affirmation for today: I am grateful that I can rejoice when things are good.

Today.....good....very good

Oh how I wait to be able to say that life is good, and when it feels good, it can be hard to relax and truly enjoy that feeling. Not today. Today I am letting go of fear and worry and I am choosing to bask in the beauty and the joy of my life. 

My son was very sick over this past few weeks and is finally feeling better. That illness may have been the very best thing that has ever happened to him, to us. 

He has stopped using hard drugs. That's right STOPPED using hard drugs!! He has chosen to stop using hard drugs because HE WANTS TO STOP. I can't even believe this is my life right now. I have prayed and prayed and begged for this for so long! He agreed to see our doctor to get a prescription for anti anxiety meds and something for sleep and give it an honest try. What a difference I see in him. He is the amazing, interesting, funny and passionate person I have always known him to be. When I talk to him, I am talking to my boy. 

Wow! Do you think I am not terrified that this could end? You better believe I am terrified. Am I going to let fear take this from me? Not a chance in hell! I will enjoy every single beautiful moment. Everyone sees it, it is truly a gift, a true miracle. Just when I thought I might actually lose him to his addiction, life can turn around. This is the world of addiction and recovery. 

I look at my son who, at the moment, has a grade 9 education at 17, he doesn't have a job nor does he live at home, but I have never felt more proud, more hopeful. Today is a good day.....a very good day!

Grateful

As Thanksgiving day approaches I am finding myself thinking about all that I have to be grateful for. I have a lot. I realize that even through all the heart ache and turmoil of much crises over the past few years, I have always remained truly grateful to what I have in my life. 

I am so grateful for so very many people and things that touch my life daily. More than anything in this world, I am most grateful for my health and my children. I am ,of course, beyond grateful for a wonderful husband and a mother like no other, but, I give deep and sincere thanks for my three children every single day.

 I have come to realize that maybe through all this heart break I have learned even more, how to really appreciate the little things in life. How to be thankful for peace, to be thankful just to have all three children in the same room together, happy, how to really be grateful that they are alive, safe and healthy every day. 

 This week, my son was very sick. It was discovered he has mono. He has been very run down, vomiting every day and coughing until he vomits. He has been so sick. Sick enough to stay in bed for a week. I had him home for a few mornings and a couple nights for the first time in 7 months!I have to say, I was really grateful. I hate to say grateful because he was sick, no, that isn't it, but I was really grateful to have all that time to enjoy my son. He was too sick to get into any real trouble. He wanted his mommy to take care of him. As a mother, this felt good. We had many hours to talk, to watch movies and just be together. I am so grateful for that time. My heart is full of thanks. Yesterday was the first day he felt well enough to go outside for a walk, he managed to eat a small lunch and a small supper and keep it down. Hopefully he is on the mend. I am pretty sure he enjoyed our time together as much as I did. 

 My affirmation for today: I am grateful to find opportunity in an unpleasant situation. I am grateful for every special moment I spend with my children and my family. I see every one of those moments as the true gift that they are.

Blinded

When I sit in that court room waiting to see what consequences my teenage son will receive, my heart pounding inside my chest, my ears ringing, I feel like screaming out "PLEASE SEE THAT THIS BOY NEEDS HELP!", but I can't. 

Another month, another chance to get your life together. Go pick up the broken pieces of your life boy, do it! Can't they see????? Why can't they see that he cannot do this on his own? I sit biting my tongue so hard that I figure blood will drip from the corner of my mouth at any given moment, giving away my inner turmoil. It doesn't. Nothing happens, as usual. 

Another month to try to stay alive. Another chance at getting into yet more trouble, or worse..... I cannot stand up in that court room anymore and say what is on my mind, I can't influence the courts decision, this HAS to be about him and HIS actions, not about me. If I do stand up and speak, it is guaranteed that this will be 'my fault'. 

 So, once again, we have a month to see. No offers for help. No insisting he seek addiction or mental health counseling. Leaving his fate up to the few "interventionists" who he still has left that want to help. Just the directive to go out and 'fix your life'. If he could fix this, don't you think he would have done that already? So, what adventure lies ahead of us for this month? 

 My affirmation for today is: I continue to see the good in everyone, knowing that deep inside lies every possibility.I believe in miracles.

Fantasy

Sometimes all it takes for me to feel hope is one good visit with my son. One good day, where he smiles and engages in conversation, eats well, laughs, ask questions. What a great feeling that is. I often ask myself if I live in some sort of delusional fantasy world. I can go as far as to think that he is doing well when we have a visit like that. Today, we had a visit like that. 

Today I feel hope. Is it a fantasy? Maybe. I choose to think of those days as a sign, a sign that anything is still possible. I will never give up hope and I will always be grateful for those days. 

 Affirmation for today: I live in the present moment and appreciate all the each moment has to offer. I choose to see the positive and expect more of it.

The Bad Guys

When our children start to spread their wings in the drug world, it seems as though they are headed for a life that I am not so sure they truly understand. Tv and movies glamorizes the drug world and the drug scene ( a good example is Breaking Bad, the TV series, movies like The Pineapple Express, even though these movies are great I think that they sometimes make that world seem interesting to our youth). I am not really sure they understand the very real dangers they are putting themselves in when they get deeper and deeper into that scene. 

 There are some REALLY bad guys in that world. Unfortunately when they find themselves getting into heavier and heavier drugs or larger amounts,or they start selling to support their habit,they are sucking the people they love into that world too. When someone wants their money for drugs, they don't care how you get it, they want it, that is it. I have known many parents to pay thousands of dollars to get a "bad guy" off their child's back (me included, not thousands, but hundreds). We think we are helping them, maybe saving their life but it just never seems to end. What are we supposed to do? If we pay their debt, they just go back for more. How long can we continue this cycle? 

 The other night after midnight, a couple of those "bad guys" sprayed bear mace into the room that my son and his girlfriend sleep. The police and fire department had to be called and they had to clean the mess before it would be safe to re enter the house. My son's girlfriend's twelve year old brother was asleep and had to be woken up and taken outside. This is pretty scary. This is not some random event, people don't randomly spray bear mace into people houses, whats the connection? What kind of trouble are they in now? 

 At times I feel like I live in a bad movie. People are always saying to me that their lives are so boring compared to mine. Oh, how I long for a normal life without all this drama. I am grateful that I could put my boundaries up and keep the "bad guys" out of my house and my ten year old's life. I feel horrible to think that another family is now involved and another child has to learn about the "bad guys" too soon in life. 

 How do we keep our children safe? How do we stay safe ourselves? How does a person become a "bad guy"? At what point in their life do they take a path that leads them to darkness? How do we keep our children from taking that path?

Fear & Uncertainty

I am not sure if the title for this post is very accurate. I am experiencing fear....uncertainty, I am not so sure. I am certain that once again, very soon, I will most likely experience more crisis with my son. How can I be certain about this? Well, this is becoming my new normal. 

I think that if I had to pick the crisis I have the hardest time dealing with, in this world of addiction in which I live,it would be when my son is living on the street. That is definitely the hardest and most stressful, where we experience the most fear. I am pretty certain we are about to experience this most dreaded event once again. A 15 & a 17 year old living together and spending all their time together is not an easy situation, now add drugs to the picture, not good. I am expecting that my son will be kicked out of his girlfriend's mothers place any day. This will, once again, put him on the street and homeless. I am terrified. Not only am I terrified for what he will experience, where he will go, and how long it will take him to get in the shape he was in last winter on the street, where I felt he was close to death at 124 pounds. I am terrified for what it will do to my daughter, what it will do me and to my family. How will we survive this terrible fate once again? He has no phone now so I will have no way to reach him or know where he is. Does he deserve to stay at his girlfriend's mothers? Absolutely not. With very few rules and total freedom, these two young addicts can barely manage. She isn't going to school, he isn't looking for work. They don't clean up after themselves and terrorize her twelve year old brother while her mother is at work. They steal anything they can get their hands on and spend their days high and, I assume, selling drugs. This is a nightmare.

 I find myself, once again, hoping and praying that maybe, just maybe, the law will help. Maybe at his court date in October he will receive a sentence of some type of custody. I find it is crazy that I am hoping for a custody sentence, I believe this may be the only thing to save his life. What mother hopes that their seventeen year old son has to go to jail? Well, It is a mother that is praying that her son see his eighteenth birthday.

 My affirmation for today: I have faith that things will resolve themselves in the best way possible.

Photo credit: Recovery and hope Facebook page 

My Mood~Your Mood~My Life

I have often said that when my addict is up, I am up, when my addict is down, I am down. I feel like I have grown so much over the past few years. A quote from a 'must read' book for anyone with addiction in their family : Addict in The Family by Beverly Conyers. "My mood depends on how well she is doing, I can gauge her state of mind within five seconds of seeing her or talking to her on the phone. If things are okay, I can feel my mood lighten. If she's not having a good day, my spirits sink. It's like we are attached at the hip. When she cycles up, I cycle up. When she cycles down, I cycle down." 

This scenerio is so familiar to families suffering addiction. Kind of ironic though as we learn that if our addict is in active addiction, most of their "up" days are days they are using and the "down" days are days when they are not. Now, most of my "mood swings" happen when there is crisis. So as long as there is no really big crisis happening, I am really okay. I know as hard as I try, I still go through most days hoping for the best but expecting the worst. I think it is a defense mechanism that keeps me from losing my mind when there is crisis. 

 As parents of addicts we are usually obsessed with our child's addiction. Finding it hard to think about, or talk about, anything else. Even my daughter, who is her own treatment, spends a lot of her time thinking about and doing therapy trying to figure out how to help her brother. Addiction is such a selfish disease. If only they knew and understood how much we care and how much pain their actions are causing the people who love them most, if only...

It can't rain forever

Sometimes it feels like the torment of addiction may never end. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. At a family group I attend the others confronted me with their concern and advice to let go. I mean make that dreaded decision to tell my son that I am done with this addiction and won't tolerate his addictive behaviors in my life any longer. That it is time to tell him I will always be here to love him and help him when he is ready for help but until that time I have to close the door on the addict. 

As I sat listening I felt a part of me was dying, screaming inside, I know this is true, I know it's time, it has been time for a long while now. 

I don't know if I am strong enough, I don't know if I'm brave enough, I'm not sure if my faith is strong enough to pull me through this torture. I feel as though someone has their hand down my throat and is pulling my heart out of my chest. I can't breath. 

Nothing I've tried has worked. I'm not sure if I can stand the pain of him feeling truly alone. What if he doesn't make it? 

A lot of the time I feel he is already gone. 

My affirmation: I believe in miracles, I am grateful for the strength that will help me through this. 

Photo credit: recovery & hope Facebook page 

Letter written to my son one year ago

I sit here thinking. Thinking about what is my next step? What is my plan? What can I possibly do that will make a difference? My thoughts, waking and asleep, are consumed with you, my heart is full of love for you and sadness too. I have watched you slip in and out of drug use and I have felt intense grief when the Son we know and love is replaced with the addict. I have come to realize, at this time, that our Son  is only about two days away. Seems so close but yet so unreachable. I feel like I'm reaching my hand out to you as you slip further and further away each time. Two days away. When I see you I feel like I have been given a gift, it is brief now, usually only a few hours but I cherish those hours with you. You ask questions, just like you always have, you have intense curiosity, always have ever since you were really little. You smile, you have such a beautiful smile. You read, you talk to us, just like you used to. Then out you go and you are gone again. You will come home, usually very moody, sharp in your answers, defensive, not pleasant. Sometimes you eat, I mean anything you can get your hands on, other times you eat nothing at all. Then you sleep. Unless you are on the computer, you are sleeping. You can't remember anything you are passionate about, you don't want to join us, talk to us, you don't smile and you never ask questions. Sometimes you will sleep all day. Sometimes it seems you can't sleep at all, other times, I can't get you up. Then after two days, there you are. My son. You ask me a question, you smile, I know it's you. I have missed you so much. I just want to wrap my arms around you and tell you how much I have missed you, but I'm scared I will miss it, I am scared I will say the wrong thing and miss your brief visit. I wish you could see how wonderful you are. I wish you knew how much I miss you. I wish you cared. I wish you would stay.

This is what Relapse feels like. 

Our Children & Their Drugs

There is always a reason that a young person reaches out for drugs or accepts an invitation to use. Whether it be because they have suffered bullying and want to fit in, they want to act out rebelliously because of problems at home, they are searching for a way to handle pressures of daily life or anxiety or a number of other possibilities, there is an underlying issue. Maybe they just want to appear "cool" or rebellious, but why do they seek that reputation? I can ask that question and I know that I too, made a choice to abuse drugs and alcohol when I was a youth, I know what my reasons were, there are always reasons....

When drug use begins very young, at around 11 or 12, yes some children do start using drugs at this age, this is where additional problems with development can be seen later on in adolescence. Sadly, my son began his journey with drugs at this early age and I had no idea until years later. How can a parent not realize that their 11 or 12 year old is using or abusing drugs? Well, usually when this early use starts there are many other issues and problems that are being dealt with and we just don't think of drugs coming into the picture. Looking back now, yes, I can see how it may have all started, I can see that there were indicators early on that I didn't recognize. wouldn't middle school teachers and guidance counsellors have some indication when all the flags were being raised? Missing school, anti social behaviours, dropping grades, aren't these red flags that would cause some alarm? On my behalf, the alarm was because there was some extreme bullying activity taking place, this is where my attention and my focus was applied. At the time when he started to make friends, I was just so happy that he had friends that I didn't take notice that maybe those friends were the ones smoking pot behind the school. when he started to pull away from doing things as a family, I thought it was only a natural part of adolescent development. 

I always knew that when my son would experiment with getting high or drunk that it could become a problem. Being such a shy child with so much anxiety and lack of friends, of course he would realize how much easier it was to be social when high. I had no idea where that would lead him, where it would lead us all. 

"Part of adolescents' denial, however, is an illusion of free will: the false belief that they are "choosing" to be involved in self-destructive behaviours like drug abuse, when in reality it's the drug that is making their decisions." -Substance Abuse and Adolescent Development -Nowinski, J. 

Now, five years later, look where we are! In a world of drugs, lying, stealing and deceit. My son no longer can live in our home, he is incapable of attending school or a job, barely capable of visiting for any more than a two hour stretch. He has gone from being the smartest, most passionate person I knew to a seventeen year old with a grade nine education and not a single passion, besides getting high. He says he doesn't read or watch movies because he can't focus that long and finds no joy in it anymore. it breaks my heart. He is in my heart and on my mind all the time. 

I have had moments where I think "Wow, I think he is doing ok" he smiles, we have a conversation, he hugs me and tells me he loves me. I have seen times where the wall around him was so high that I couldn't get through to him at all so this feels good. I know that he is not that far away. I am willing to accept what little I can get at this point. A smile is enough some days to make me feel like he is still with us. How many times will I mourn my son? How many "new versions" of the real him will I have to get to know and accept? Unconditional love can be so incredibly painful. 

Tomorrow is another court date. I am terrified. It has become a normal part of my life now. I am not even sure what I am terrified about; whether he will be charged and have to deal with difficult circumstances or that the charges won't show up and he won't experience any necessary consequences. Am I terrified that his friend will be sent to adult prison and I will have to see that pain in his young face when they take him away? or am I more afraid that he won't get a sentence and will be released once again to cause more pain and suffering in my son's and my family's life? Maybe I am terrified to cry in court in front of everyone and show my deep pain in public or maybe I won't cry and I will appear that I don't care at all. Maybe I am just terrified because I know the true danger that my son's life is really in and go about my life day to day trying to be normal. 

My affirmation for today: I let go of my expectations for others and believe, trust and expect only the best. 

Feeling normal in a world of chaos

Oh life for us parents in recovery is so far from normal most of the time I think we actually forget what real normal feels like. 

My daughter said to me this weekend " I can't even imagine what it must be like to be in a family where everything is normal. Imagine Mama what it must be like to have kids who just are normal with two real parents and no crisis and addiction and court, is that normal for someone? "

I think we have started to adjust to our "normal" and that kind of freaks me out a bit. This is not normal! Expecting crisis isn't normal, but what is normal? Everyone has their "stuff". 

What I have realized is that I am much stronger that I ever thought possible. 

I have realized that we really are powerless over another person's addiction. 

I have realized that we can live some kind of normal even when our life is upside down and inside out. 

I have realized that I don't need to take blame or feel ashamed of my parenting skills and that this isn't "my fault". 

Today, I had a normal day. A day that if you didn't know me, you would never guess how torn I feel inside or how "not normal" my life is, but today was a good day, full of fun and joy. My day might even be envied by some. Interesting how little we all know about our neighbors, friends and family's "normals". How impossible it is to know what people experience day to day. Maybe there is no "normal" after all. 

Today's affirmation: I find the joy in the little things that make my life beautiful. 

The Upside Down~Inside Out

The roller coaster of emotions; of fear and anxiety is enough to make a parent feel like crawling under the covers and never coming out. Why is it that these youth just can't see the number of people who care about them and are reaching out to try to help them? When they get to the point where help is offered and help is offered and they still kick their heels, do you actually give up? What about when you honestly feel that your child's rock bottom could be....death. When you really believe in your heart that if you make that final move of saying "I cannot and will not accept your addiction and these behaviors any longer" means that could help them hit their bottom and you believe with all your being that rock bottom could be six feet under, then what? What parent can honestly say "Ok I can't take this heart ache any longer, I am ready to bury my child"? 

It is all the What if's....What if they don't make it? What if they really do die? What if that move helps them to reach out for help? What if? I have never been a gambler and I just cannot take that risk. What I am doing is not working. What everyone around him is doing is not working. I guess this is when we say "ok it is up to you, there is nothing we can do, you need to decide for yourself and be prepared to suffer the consequences", then I guess it is time to say I love you and believe in you and know you are worthy of more than this, I will be here to help you when you are ready. That's it. There is no more than that. 

Today is a low day on my roller coaster. Some days, I just want off. 

 Affirmation for today: I believe that my son has what he needs to overcome his addiction.I believe that day will come.

Living in the Peace

I have realized that peace can be many different things. When a parent of a teen with an addiction says that it is "quiet" this can mean peace. Even through much turmoil in the life of addiction we must seek out peace. It is there hiding in a good walk, a bubble bath, a glass of wine, a conversation or coffee with a friend, a playdate with a young child, a snuggle with the hubby. There are many moments of peace in my life. I have learned to cherish every one of them, even when it seems as though my life may be falling apart.

 This IS MY life too! If I give in to every crisis and let it ruin me and take away my peace, then the addiction wins. I am in control of my peace. I may be powerless over my son's addiction, I may be powerless over what happens in his life at the moment but I am not powerless. I have the power to make my life what I want. 

 Today's affirmation is "I know that I can create peace in my life, I choose to feel peace and put myself in peaceful situations daily."

Picture credit: Recovery and hope Facebook page

Awareness~Crack Cocaine

Just say the word Crack and I shudder at the thought of our youth getting messed up in this tangled web of destruction. That is what it is: pure destruction. "Crack is the most potent form in which cocaine appears and is also the riskiest." Drugfreeworld booklet Smoking crack will bring on a very intense and very short lived high. Addiction develops more quickly if this drug is smoked, many become addicted after only using once! Once they experience the high, they will do anything to experience that high again. Crack is relatively cheap compared to cocaine, this is why we will see many youth get addicted to this drug. The problem is that the high is so short lived and the user will need more and more of the drug to achieve that high again so the user is always seeking the drug and money to get it, often resorting to anything to get the money they need, including selling drugs, crime, stealing ANYTHING from ANYONE. Trust me when I say this, someone addicted to crack will do things for money you would never think possible. This is a very DANGEROUS and SELFISH drug. 

The short lived intense high from crack is followed by intense depression and severe craving for the drug. Users don't eat or sleep normally.There are many short and long term effects from using crack cocaine. This drug is a life-destroyer! 

  Parents: It is normal to see the signs and deny it at first, it is normal to see the signs and refuse to believe it at first, but If you notice extreme mood swings, sleeping and eating changes, money and sellable items missing from your home, missing spoons, even disappearing baking soda,(crack can be made heating baking soda and water & cocaine in a spoon) these are signs that there may be trouble. It is also normal to think that crack isn't a problem here in our community, I can tell you that is not true. Crack IS a problem, crack IS a threat to our youth!

This picture is from an Internet search, if this picture belons to you and you do not wish it to appear on this blog for educational purposes, MSG me and it will promptly be removed. 

Addiction is a LIVING Hell!

Listening to my daughter tell me of girl after girl leaving treatment and relapsing, sitting and listening to parents tell of their children relapsing, reading on Facebook about the kids I've known to be in treatment and relapsing. Sometimes it's hard to be hopeful. Sometimes it just catches up with you and you wonder....can we really do anything to help these kids? Today I'm sad. Deep down, on the inside, I'm still happy and grateful for all the wonderful things in my life, but in the surface, I feel sad and a bit lost. 

Last night while we were gone to get my daughter some excitement took place in our neighborhood. When we arrived home, we arrived to our front yard being torn up by an obvious large vehicle traveling at inappropriately high speed through the corner of our yard and in through the park behind our house. My first thought: another reckless teenager spinning out in the empty parking lot behind our house. My daughter: I'll bet it's someone we know, I think it was on purpose. Nah! We aren't living that nightmare anymore was my feeling. 

In about 10 minutes when a police car pulled up in front of my house, well, I figured I just hope it has nothing to do with my son. 

The police said some witnesses had called and they know it to be a young male who's in a pile of trouble, in a stolen vehicle tearing up the streets of Riverview. My first assumption was an old friend of my sons who is, for some reason, drawn like a magnet to my son, and to trouble. I already was told two days ago that he had run away from the group home and had a ton of charges and wanted by the police. Yup, I was right. The deeply disturbing part of this for me, why is this young (now 18 year old) performing this type of destructive behavior and stealing a vehicle and showing up in places he knows will get him deeper and deeper in serious trouble? Why? I was asked to press charges, icing on the cake of the law, to help put this young man away. I declined. I have seen how little the law does to help any of us, I don't need this disturbed teenager to have a reason to hate me when released from jail. However, I quickly picked up my phone to call my son. Beg him to please stay away from this boy tonight, he is in a lot of trouble and NOTHING good will come out of him being with him tonight, nothing. 

Why would anyone not heed that warning? What would make someone decide to hang out with him anyways? What could they possibly be thinking setting foot in that stolen vehicle knowing that this can only lead to trouble? I have a lot of unanswered questions. Most of the answers probably begin with drugs. 

All I will say is that I went to bed grateful last night, knowing that the police would not be ringing my doorbell to tell me my son had been killed in an accident, knowing that no one would be hurt by teenagers tearing up the streets in a stolen vehicle, knowing that for tonight my son and his girlfriend are alive. Knowing that this young disturbed boy will not be hurting anyone tonight. Tonight they will sleep on the hard, cold bench of the law in a jail cell in Shediac after being in an accident, where thankfully no one was hurt, and chased by police with guns and dogs until caught and arrested. Why? Why are these youth in such a mess? What is the driving force that leads them in the wrong direction? What can be done to save them? 

My affirmation today is: I am grateful that my family is safe, I am grateful that even when things look bad, I can see the good. 

Awareness: LSD

LSD or acid, is the drug I have chosen to highlight next. This is a very commonly used drug among youth! It is available in all sorts of forms from small tabs or "microdots", capsules or gelatin squares (blotter paper) or liquid form. LSD causes a serious disconnect from reality. The high is often called a "trip" and can last up to 12 hours long! When things turn to the "dark side" and one experiences a "bad trip", that is a VERY LONG TIME!!! I have personally experienced an acid trip. Well, I pride myself on being honest and truthful, I have experienced many as a youth myself. I have never experienced a "bad trip" but I have experienced others and someone very close to me on a VERY bad trip that lasted a whole night, he was terrified for his life, it was a very scary and horrible experience that I will never forget. I have also known people who have drug induced psychosis and scitzophrenia believed to be caused by LSD. This can turn a one night party into a lifelong living hell. Very risky in my opinion! 

LSD is a very potent hallucinogen, actually the most potent hallucinogen known to man! LSD is 100 times more potent than hallucinogenic mushrooms.

When someone is on LSD their pupils will be very large. They will get a very dry mouth, loss of appetite and will often comment on visual effects such as colors. They will not be able to sleep and there is often, not always paranoia. When someone is on LSD they most often will no be able to distinguish between what is the effect of the drug and what is reality. The effects of LSD are a gamble and can often change based on environment and mood. The person on LSD has impaired judgement and their ability to see common dangers is also impaired.  Most commonly used by youth in grades 7-12.

 Please take the time to talk to your children about this very real , and very scary drug and the possible side effects that can take place and the gamble that one is taking when experimenting with this, or any other drug! Lots more information on LSD and a great video at www.drugfreeworld.org watch it! Watch it with your teenagers!

Most information in this post is from drugfreeworld literature.  

Bleeding Heart

I will admit that one of the things that has triggered my desire to change career paths and work with youth in recovery is my bleeding heart. My heart aches for the pain inside every young addict and believe me, there is pain in every one. I also am painfully aware that where there is a youth with an addiction, there is a parent whose heart aches for that child. My heart also hurts for them because I know that pain, I feel it. I was surfing around Facebook and I check on a few of the kids that I know who did their programs and who have also fallen back into relapse. Yesterday while checking I found a comment that really tugged at my heartstrings and made me realize that these teenagers are at times just so lost. I read the post "what do u do when u got too many problems u can't handle?" This is a young person longing for support, longing for help. He had a conversation with another youth who did their program together who is doing well and he told him to call the rehab. The conversation went on to say that his problems have gotten too big to manage and he realizes he will need help again, there was apology, encouragement and support, fear and sadness. This conversation eats me alive. How many relapsed youth out there having these feelings of despair? How can we reach out and offer help and let them know there are people who care, that they are worthy of help and they CAN do it. Many youth (and adults for that matter) need more than one round of rehab to get the help they need. Relapse isn't failure, it's opportunity to learn, once again, from our mistakes and hope this time to use the new information learned to help us to maintain sobriety/recovery. 

One of the biggest troubles I have seen with youth coming home from residential rehab is trying to find their place in the world, making new, healthy friendships and connections. As a community, we need to offer more support. We need to be more understanding. We need to be more accepting. 

My affirmation for today: I am grateful I am accepting of others challenges, I realize those challenges belong to them but am happy that I am compassionate enough to care and reach out to those in need. 

I would like to once again thank Recovery and Hope Facebook page for agreeing to let me use their beautiful and inspirational photos on my blog. Their Facebook page has 62.2 K likes!!!!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness, at first thought, appears easy. In reality, it is likely that we all hold anger and resentment towards someone else, maybe our addict, or feel resentment & guilt directed inward at ourselves for things that have happened in our past. "Forgiving ourselves and others can be one if the most challenging of all spiritual practices." ~ Mindful Living~ talking about forgiveness meditation. 

According to Mindful Living, there are three parts to forgiveness meditation: Asking for forgiveness from others, granting forgiveness to others who have hurt you and asking and granting forgiveness to yourself for any way that you have hurt yourself. 

The important part of this practice is putting your forgiving intention out into the world regularly. 

For those of us who have an addict to love, there is usually a lot of forgiving to do! In order to set ourselves on our path to recovery we must learn to forgive and let go of these feelings that don't serve us. 

Forgiveness doesn't mean that we accept being treated poorly, stolen from, lied to or abused, it simply means we are releasing ourselves from the bondage that resentment and guilt hold us to. It is about deciding not to be a victim and taking control of our own lives. 

MDMA~Ecstasy

Ecstasy is one of the most popular drugs used by youth today. Most users are teens and young adults. The combination of alcohol and ecstasy is very dangerous and can be deadly. This is a scary fact when we think about the population mostly using this drug. This is a drug that has no recognized medical use. Ecstasy is the drug we often hear of associated with raves, known as the "club drug". Ecstasy today may contain many different substances ("from LSD, cocaine, heroin, amphetamine and methaphetamine, to rat poison, caffeine, dog deworming substanceset." Drug Free World The Truth about ecstasy) so the user never really know exactly what they are taking. 

You may commonly hear teens today call it E, love pills, scooby snacks among other 'pet' names. It has a reputation as the "love pill" bacuse it heightens sensations, particularly during sex. One of the many dangers of ecstasy is that it smothers our natural alarm system. Because it is a strong stimulant, giving a feeling of abundant energy, a person can often exceed their natural limitations while on this drug. Dehydration is a common problem with ecstasy use in clubs and raves. This is so much true that there is a harm reduction strategy that bottles of water are given out freely at raves to help reduce the risk of dehydration. There are also some places (I cannot name them at the moment) that will test the drug to tell you if there are harmful chemicals and unwanted components in the pill before taking. (We won't get into this here today, harm reduction has many controversial opinions, we will save that debate for another post:) 

 Ecstasy can cause paranoia, anxiety, confusion, sleep problems, weight loss, nausea and impaired judgement, among many other side effects. 

What can you watch for? Lack of hunger, lots of energy and sleep problems and then sleeping all day, hazy, dazed and confused. Ecstasy is pretty cheap, costing around $5-$10 a pill and even less when bought in bulk. I hate giving my teens lunch money, a $5 bill is all you need for a good high these days. 

Most of the information on MDMA here is from Drug Free World. Please take a peek at their website and today watch the video on ecstasy, a real eye opener. 

Www.drugfreeworld.org

 This picture is borrowed from an Internet search, if you are the owner and do not wish it to be used here, leave me a comment and it will be promptly removed. 

Drug awareness for Parents

I have decided to do a little "Awareness Project". I am going to highlight a couple commonly used and abused drugs (especially by teens)over the next few weeks. I have done some extensive research on drugs, I also have quite a bit of education in addiction (and presently working on a second university course on Youth & Addiction and I have found some great websites and information on the internet. I will attempt to uncover some of the facts and truths about these drugs, what to look for, dangers signs and where to find additional information and help. Stay tuned.... Tomorrow I will blog about MDMA, anyone know what that is? It is WIDELY used by our youth, it is cheap and very easy to locate....

Drawing the line

Oh.... I have had so very much experience with this, unfortunately. As a parent of an addict we are often faced with "opportunities" to draw the line, or worse than that- get the law involved. As a mother, how do we decide to call the police on our own flesh and blood? How are we even expected to ever do this? Well, I have been faced with this decision many times. Actually, I have lost count as to how many times I have had to involve the law:( 

At first, honestly, it was a desperate plea for help, I was sure that the law would help me force my child to get help. It took me awhile to figure out that the law doesn't really help us, in this situation. I should say that I was fortunate enough to have a judge court order my son to a residential rehab but....I have come to learn, that we cannot force our child to get the help we so desperately want them to get and we know they need. When it comes to addiction, getting help has to come from within, only the addict themselves can make that decision. 

After desperately seeking help through the law, I have had to breech my son on his probation many times also. If you have never had to do this, you can't possibly understand how painful this is, please never judge another parent for doing this, or not doing this, it is a very personal decision that is situational and we can't possibly know what is right or what is wrong, at times we are just desperate for some sort of control. I have realized through all that I have been through that the law and the courts aren't really going to help me to get my on the help he needs. My son has often blamed things on my involvement, I don't take on that guilt (most of the time) because he is the one who has done wrong, he is the one who has to suffer the consequences to his actions. All I did was refuse to continue to be a victim. 

 So now my question is: How far do we let them go? When do we get the law involved, when do we turn a blind eye? What, if anything, will get them to realize the consequence of their actions? 

 My new approach, at this point, is to back off. Having my son not living in my home at this time really helps me to distance myself from his behavior. He will suffer the consequences of his actions without my involvement, this puts the responsibility on him, he can't blame things on me anymore. 

 My affirmation today:(Thanks Louise Hay!) "I cannot change another person. I let others be who they are, and I simply love who I am."

Back to the future

Interesting and thought provoking....I was reading a post by Taraleigh of The virtual love fest, talking about time travel. It really started me thinking about my life today. In her post she talked about traveling back in time to January of 2000. Wow, 13 years ago. My oldest would be 4, daughter 2 and youngest not even here yet. Knowing all that I know now, having travelled the journey that I have travelled, would there be things I would change? What, if anything would I do different? 

If I chose not to enter into a relationship around 2002 my  youngest son wouldn't be here, I would never change that, even though that relationship turned out to be painful and complicated. 

If I tried making changes to my oldest's son, changing the things that I feel may have contributed to his addiction, what else would that change about him, about me? About all of us? If it weren't for his addiction and all this crises would I be on the mission I am on and hoping to change the world and recovery for youth with addictions? 

Would I enter a relationship with my husband knowing the tormented road we would travel with my sons addiction or choose to travel this road alone? I would have missed out in my fairy tale wedding in 2011 and all the amazing parts of being married to my soul mate, my Prince Charming. 

When I look back, if I knew what I know now, I would certainly want to try to save my son as much pain as I could, how could I do that? I'm not even really sure. Who knows what else that would change. 

I guess I realize that I am on this journey because this IS my journey. I'm not really sure I would want to re-live some of the pain but that pain has made me passionate about helping others. I guess I still believe that all the suffering my son and my family has experienced is for our greater good, in some strange way. 

My affirmation for today:

I am grateful for all of my experiences that have led me to be the person I am today. 

Being Present

Staying in the moment. Something I think we all strive to do. Seems like such an easy thing, when in reality, I believe it to be very difficult. This is something I have been playing with this summer. REALLY staying present in everything I do. Feeling the joy in the moment. 

 When we have a child who struggles with addiction, this can be very difficult. We worry. When things seem like they are going well, we worry about when the next crisis will happen. When we see our addict and they seem happy, we wonder what they have "planned". It really is hard to stay in the present. We must really let go of fear for this to happen. 

 An affirmation I like about letting go of fears: "I realize that stress is only fear, I release all fears." Louise hay. Today I will stay in the moment. I will rejoice that my life is good. Today my children are safe, happy and healthy. I will not allow fear to take that away. 

 Affirmation : I live the joy in the present moment.

I am taking joy in my little garden today:)

The Fear of perfection

As a parent have you ever thought you had a perfect child? A child who is as sweet as sugar, kind and caring to all, a treasure collector, giving to everyone, full of smiles and laughter that keeps you smiling all the time? To me, those traits are as perfect as perfect gets. I always told my sweet little girl how wonderfully perfect I thought she was. She felt it, she loved being "the perfect child". That is a lot of pressure for a little girl. When we say something it doesn't always come across with the same meaning to the receiver as it has to the person making the statement. As my little girl grew into a teenager, always trying to maintain that "perfect status" became a challenge. She felt that if she didn't keep her popular friends that I would think less of her. Be careful what you say. In no way was I trying to make her feel she needed to 'be' perfect, I always just meant that her soul, her spirit 'is' perfect, perfectly beautiful. 

I guess what I am trying to say is to think carefully about what you say to your children, even the most sincere compliment can be taken differently by the person you are talking to. We all need to be cautious of our words, think before we speak. 

Affirmation for today:

I am proud of my children just the way they are. 

Compassion

I met with Lisa at The John Howard Society yesterday. Our conversation really got me thinking about compassion. Lately I have realized that very few people actually have genuine compassion for people. She was telling me about a letter to the editor of our paper complaining about the number of half way houses in our area and the amount of homeless people or 'beggars" on our streets. I have heard people comment also about the amount of people panhandling on our streets and complaining about a group home in their neighborhood. I find it very ironic when I think about someone complaining that we have too many half way houses and group homes, and in the same breath complaining that there are too many people "littering" our streets. Imagine if we didn't have two half way houses and the few group homes that we do have, imagine how many more people would be required to beg on the street. These group homes and half way houses are in our communities to offer help and hope to those who need it. 

 I think about how many people look at a teenage addict or teen in trouble with the law and wonder why, wonder what went wrong with their family that caused them to act this way? Where did their parents go wrong? It took me a long time to realize that my addict's problems are not my fault. Sometimes there is something within the family that contributed to the problem but most of the time, it is something within that person. I also believe that JUDGEMENT has a lot to do with it. Imagine if you were judged every day because of an illness? Imagine if you were judged every day because you felt pain and didn't know how to cope? Imagine if you were judged every day because circumstances led you to be homeless? Imagine if you were judged every single day and started to believe it yourself? If everyone around you believed that you were worthless, would you think that you are worthy?

 When you see someone sitting on the side of the street, don't be too quick to judge. Imagine if that person were you, or were your child, what would you hope that people would do? What would you hope that people would think? Imagine if a smile could offer some hope, imagine if a helping hand could help break down a wall of judgement built around that person. 

 Take one minute to think about this quote by Dr. Seuess in his book The Lorax: "Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, Nothing is going to get better. It's not."

If we don't see it, does it still exist?

You know the saying "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" Well, I got thinking about this. Makes me think a bit about how messed up the world is and how people choose not to pay attention, does it make the problem go away? As a parent, when my addict was living at home, I knew most things that were happening, I knew when he was high or drunk because I could see it. Now, I don't see him every day, when I talk to him, he seems good, when I do see him, he appears sober. I feel better, I feel more at peace, less stressed all the time. Is this a false sense of security? Maybe. Is it bad that it feels better? Is it horrible that I can have a peaceful and sound sleep at night? I don't think so. Do I worry less? Sometimes I do. I mean I see less trouble, therefore, I am not worried every second of the day. I think, as parents, when our children are gaining independence, we want to know everything they are doing, we worry about all of it. I know thinking back to being a teenager myself, my parents would have been terrified if they knew everything that I was doing, but I did ok. Maybe, it is ok not to know everything. Maybe we have to trust more, trust that they will use the morals, values and skills we have taught them growing up, and when we aren't around to "hear them fall", maybe they will pick themselves up faster, and be stronger because of it.

 My affirmation of the day: I am proud of my children as they overcome their challenges and confidently reach for their dreams.

Letting go of negativity

I am continuously directed to reading books that tell me the same thing: 

The more you hold onto or engage with negativity, the more that negativity will control you. The more positive you feel and act, the more happiness and joy you will experience. 

I guess this message tells us that the harder life is, the more important it will be to think positive and not dwell on the negative. 

When you live with an addict, when you experience life as a mother of a teenager or a young adult who is experiencing difficulty, this is extremely hard. I keep thinking 'what can I do to help, I will do anything I can to try to make life better for my addict and for my family'. Now I am starting to realize that this means I have to break free of these chains of addiction and focus on the positive aspects of my life. 

Today's affirmation:

Today I am enjoying all the joy and beauty in my life and am grateful for all life's little treasures. 

Mother

As a mother I think I can safely say that we just want what is best for our children, that we want to love them and protect them from harm. I have come to realize that being a mother means that we will always, to some degree, be protective. When is being protective considered being over-protective? When is being over-protective considered unhealthy? How do we know when to let our children fall? How do we know when to pick them up? or do we pick them up? Why doesn't being a mother come with a manual? 

 I have been told by my teenagers that I am over-protective. I have come to realize through this journey that I am a controlling person. That I believe that I am only doing what is good and right. Does that make it right? Probably not. Is it too late to learn from my mistakes and give my children room to grow and to breathe? It is NEVER too late. We can't look at anything we do out of love for our children as a mistake. We are only doing our best, out of love. What could my teenagers learn from this experience? I think they can learn that we all make mistakes, that its never to late to change, that in this life, we do our best with what we are given and that we need to feel proud of the good we do. I want them to learn how to realize their mistakes, how to apologize when they feel they acted inappropriatley, how to be humble, how to be forgiving. I guess when I look at this, I can see an opportunity for great growth, for me, as a mother, and for my children. 

I was listening to the song MOTHER by Pink Floyd. I was really listening to the lyrics and thinking about this portrait of an over protective mother:

 We must give our children roots AND wings.

A glass half full

We must train ourselves to look at the glass as half full! (Nan Henderson-Resiliency trainer) 

I am studying resiliency. My take way from last night's conference is that we must change the way we look at a situation. Instead of wondering how our addict has gotten themselves as low as they are, think about what they are doing right, what strengths they must have that has kept them as far from the bottom that they are, how is it that they are doing as well as they are? If they are still alive, they haven't hit rock bottom as far as rock bottom can be, look for those positive character traits, those strengths, point them out and help them to see them and when you see their strengths, reinforce them at every opportunity! 

Resiliency in Action by Nan Henderson

This picture is a message in the sand written by my 15 year old daughter, it says;  When I am older, I will be stronger 

(Lyrics taken from Wavin Flag)

Positive affirmations out to the universe

Saying positive affirmations and sending them out into the universe as what we truly believe is how we heal ourselves and our lives. Me must believe. I am going to write a few blog posts with some examples of positive affirmations I am using in my life. The hardest part of learning this, for me, has been knowing how to phrase my affirmations. These examples can be used by anyone in a similar situation. Every time a negative thought creeps into my mind these will be the two affirmations I will use today:

I believe, trust and expect only the best.

I release all blame and search within myself for the truth. 

Let the Sun Shine in!!!!

Today, I am going to feel the sunshine. Today I am going to allow happiness to win over fear. Today I am going to smile at everyone I see. Today will be wonderful.

 I am in responsible for my happiness, today I will focus on that. Affirmations are powerful. I love Wayne Dyer's "Change you thoughts, change your life" philosophy. We have so much power within ourselves and we still allow fear to control us. 

 I am going to make a point today to change my thoughts every time fear creeps in, every time a negative thought comes to my mind or my lips, I will say " Today I am happy, today I believe only the best is possible"

 For anyone interested in understanding more about affirmations, I highly recommend Louise Hay, her book and audio cd I CAN DO IT are a wonderful place to start. You can get it for under $15 on amazon. I am reading her book YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE right now, it is a life changer. I bought the gift set with the dvd and the dvd is really really good!

Unpredictable living

The world of addiction is an unpredictable place. I believe this is in part why, as a parent, we feel so confused. One day there is life & death crisis and the next day, everything seems to be ok. Sometimes this gives us a sense of false security, we think that maybe we imagine the worst and really, everything is ok. Then out of nowhere BAM , the life of unpredictability strikes once again. Maybe it comes from being manipulated for so long or living in denial that keeps us hoping that what we see, or think we see, can't possibly be real. 

I live my life, at this time, hoping for the best every day but trying to be prepared for the worst. This is a hard way to live and it makes trying to generate that positive energy in our world pretty tricky, I know it's possible that we can trick ourselves but can we truly trick the universe? 

I was at a family education group and we did a group relaxation/imagery session. One lady expressed how much she hated it. That when she was picturing her own 'happy place' the audio kept telling her to picture somewhere else. I thought this was interesting. So much like the life we live. We try to imagine a happy place and go about our lives and someone else keeps throwing us into another "picture". I think that the value of guided imagery and visualization is understated and under-used. Through practice we can learn how to retreat to our "happy place" whenever life throws us elsewhere. 

One of my favorites is Max Highstein's healing waterfall. It is available on iTunes. There are lots of others but I have always really loved this one, it is 16 minutes. Give it a try, go to your "happy place". 

Thanks to Recovery and Hope Facebook page for another great photo

Uncertainty

This is so much harder than I expected. The not knowing. I lie here in bed wondering if he is ok,if he is home, if he ate anything yesterday. I go about my days, doing my thing, not knowing how he is doing. It's really an uneasy feeling. I keep trying to be positive, in some way pretending, pretending that he is managing his life, eating meals, looking for a job. Is he? Maybe. I know how much money he has, none. I know how much food he has, not much, I know what his priorities are.....I am trying to stay positive, hopeful. I'm scared to death. 

I just keep reminding myself that this is necessary. That there really is nothing I can do right now, and that the more I do, the worse it will be. I tell him I love him, I get him a few groceries, when he will let me, I had him home for supper for a whole 45 minutes until his "priorities" came calling. At least he ate. I know he had a meal 36 hours ago. 

Well I need to believe that everything happens as it is supposed to happen, that he is on the journey he is meant to be on, that all of this will lead him to something wonderful and the life he is meant to live. 

My ten year old and I were saying his prayers last night and he said " I added something...." I asked him to share, this is what he told me "I prayed that if my brother doesn't get back on his feet soon that he would go to the recovery house at the homeless shelter we visited and stay for a year and get better." -You can't tell me that my ten year old didn't learn something from our homeless experience this past weekend! 

One homeless night

Last night my ten year old and myself spent the night at the local homeless shelter. This was to help out and help us to understand homelessness better. This was an open invitation in our community to anyone who would like to support our shelter and gain a better understanding of homelessness. My little boy and myself were the ONLY people who showed up. People put a wall up around themselves and often times would rather ignore the problem than get involved.
I have had many people, social workers, group home workers, youth advocates bad talk this shelter, say that they didn't approve, that it was full of 'crack heads' and 'sex offenders', I had some people not understand how I could take my child there to spend the night in such a 'dangerous' place. I have dropped my 16 year old on this very doorstep in the middle of the night, when he couldn't come home, how could I not try to better understand ?
Well, this saddens my greatly. If people would take the time to see for themselves, instead of turning their heads the other direction. These people are human beings, many with issues and sad stories. In my experience, they all have a story, a health or mental health issue or an addiction, but they are people. Everyone deserves a place to lay their head, everyone deserves a chance for a future. If shelters like this didn't exist these people would be sleeping in the street and in camps in the woods (which I happened to also see last night). At this shelter we visited, they have a safe, clean place to sleep, good nutritious breakfast and supper, support, companionship and additional resources to help get them on their feet.

Last night we eagerly listened to people's stories of their difficult lives that led them to this place, we shared breakfast, companionship, a place to sleep and made some new friends.
If given the opportunity, I strongly recommend the experience to everyone. We will be going back.
Next week I will visit our methadone clinic and needle exchange program.

We took a street walk where most of our homeless panhandle on the streets and we visited some very sad places where people live in the woods. (They set up camp here to sleep, eat, and hide from police)
The following two pictures are two different 'camps' we visited here in our city.

A view from the inside...

Tomorrow night my ten year old and myself will be spending the night at a local homeless shelter. We will join others as we take a streetwalk and visit with the homeless and then we will spend the night sleeping in the shelter.

How can we expected to understand what people endure as they spend time on the street? We can empathize, we can imagine, but I think we need to experience it. I am sure that some people would wonder why I would include my young child in this adventure. This is a shelter that accomodates many alcoholic and drug addicts, people that others may see on the street and turn and look the other way so they don't get asked for money. One of these people could be my son, one of these people could be your son. Don't ever be too quick to judge and turn the other way, these people are our neighbors, they are people who have lost their way. I am including my son in this experience because we have watched our beloved boy; my son, his older brother choose to live this way; I have dropped him off on the very doorstep that we will be spending the night tomorrow, not knowing if I would see him again. That picture is burned into my mind forever.

Some facts: More than 50% of youth reported that drugs and alcohol addiction is a majoy factor contributing to their homelessness. Youth are the fastest growing population of homelessness in Canada.Since 2002 there is a reported increase in homelessness at 137%!!!!!!!!!!!!I will blog on Sunday about our Homeless experience. Stay tuned.

Mixed emotions

So, it has been done. The deed that I most dreaded and at the same time, was most hopeful for, my son has not been allowed to return home and we helped get him set up in a rented room if his own. The emotion that best describes what we are going through right now: paralyzing fear!

Is my 17 year old son, who has a serious addiction to drugs and alcohol and a history of criminal behavior ready to live on his own? Absolutely not! Did we have any other choice at this time? Sure we did, we could have allowed him to walk out the door of the group home and back out onto the streets. Is he any better off right now? I have no idea. 

Now as I sit and wonder who is looking out for my child? Who is watching to see if he is eating? What time, or if, he comes home? If he is happy, healthy, safe?  He is independant, I am more than a bit lost. 

So how will I get through another difficult hurdle? I am going to have to trust in my higher power on this one, I am going to have to exercise faith like never before and keep hoping that he will make it. Positive thoughts and prayers, lots of them. 

Photo credit: recovery and hope Facebook page, as always, a big thank you! 

"I am worthy~There is hope for me!"

All of the sadness and all of the desperation I have seen and felt on this journey through my sons addiction, I continue to believe that he is worthy and that he has a chance and that he can overcome this demon. Our biggest obstacle has been that he doesn't believe it himself or care or feel worthy or capable of change. This is a very hard and painful thing to watch. I have seen others who I believe feel the same hopelessness. It breaks my heart. I feel so much intense pain in watching these young people give up hope that I have decided to dedicate the rest of my life to helping youth to find their way and their "spark", discover their dreams and inspire their passion through recovery. 

My son is about to begin a new chapter in his story. I am praying that this chapter is a happy one. He will be finishing his time at the group home. We have made the painful but necessary decision that he cannot come home to live without serious help for his addictions, he has not  committed  to that, so he will have to find a place to live. He will rent a room and find a job and start his life. In the fall he says he will be going back to school and working part time. He seems committed to trying to get his life back and stay out of drugs, I'm praying he can do it on his own. So now I guess I step back and watch him take flight, and pray.