Recovery of a family

I'm not sure my family has been able to honestly say that we are in recovery until now. My family is healing, finally. 

Our visit with my son yesterday was beautiful. He looks amazing, healthy, peaceful. He is truly seeking himself. Reading books of his choosing. Going to meetings, groups, even church by his own choosing. The reason I say it is his choice is that I have always tried to control his recovery, I still do to a certain degree. I will admit that bribing often came into play as well. I bring him two books for him to choose one each visit, but I choose the books. There are a couple books that he has read already in his stay that I did not choose. Books about New Brunswick men who spent time in jail and turned their lives around. I see a difference in him, a big one. Well how would that not be possible? In 5 weeks he has studied his GED every day after not being in school for 2 years! He has read 5 novels, attended meetings and church, gained 40 pounds, attends the gym and grew an inch! I am so proud of his growth so far. I am feeling more comfortable every day to step back and trust. He is doing it on this own. 

Ironic how things work out. My family has been so much in these past few years, but especially this year. Now when things are finally starting to settle and I can feel the crisis lift, I find out that my brother is sick. It makes me question why? Why do we have to face yet another crisis? I can allow myself to really fall apart but I have to remember that everything happens for a reason, this was already in the plans. There has to be a bigger plan here. I will remain hopeful and positive that things will work out, that we can all handle this turbulent journey with strength and faith. 

Thought for the day: I am grateful for beautiful change that happens when I trust others to follow their dreams. 

Breathe in the peace

How strange it is. How strange that now that my son is in custody and there is nothing I can do to change that, there is peace, there really is. 

I have to remind myself every day to stay present, not to let my thoughts get out of control. If I stay present I see that things are as they need to be, I find joy, peace and pride in my beautiful phone conversations, almost daily, with my son, I can see and feel the extreme crisis we were living melting away like wax melts as a candle burns. 

Every time my phone rang when my son was in portage or open custody, my heart skipped a beat, the anxiety would mount, knowing that our conversation would be one of distress, panic, what do I do? How can you help me? Please fix this I can't handle it. The really bizarre thing is that I don't get that now. When the calls started, every call, I expected the same thing. Waited for it. When I asked "How was your day?" I just expected the crises to come up, the desperation for help, for me to of do something to fix this. It hasn't happened. At all. Every day he tells me he has had a good day, going to school, working on his ged, reading his book, going to the gym. He has gone from 6'3" and 118 pounds going in to 160 pounds in a month. He is peaceful and rested, not spinning all the time, not searching, he is accepting, maybe for the first time ever. 

My son is not only alive, he is living!!! Thank God. I know this is going to sound crazy, but I have never been more proud of him! I miss him so much, it really hurts, but....I am getting him back. When I talk to him, it's HIM! He is coming back to us! He is finding himself again and as much as I miss his physical presence I am so grateful for his "return". The "addict" is fading away and my son is shining through again. It's been a long time, it's so good to talk to him. 

Today I am going to remember to breathe. Enjoy snd accept this peace. My son is finding his own way back to us, this detour is absolutely necessary for his journey home.